AnxietySupportNetwork.com

Glad to hear she's doing better now. I think you do a wonderful job with this site and I always check in to read your latest articles; they're great! I don't post on the forum much cuz I never seem to have much to say;I'm kinda a dull guy, lol. Take it easy!

Thanks for your post and for the encouragement! The site has been very enjoyable to work on. If you can't think of anything else to say, talk about things that are bothering you. I find it very helpful to discuss every little thing that is bothering me, and when I get all those things out, I find that I feel very happy and balanced. People are here to help!

December 18, 2010

Well, things have been going really super well of late with this whole anxiety thing. What I am finally converting from head knowledge to belief is that I now can handle the outcomes of things, no matter what they are, and I can accept my performance even though it is not exactly what I would like it to be. For me, God is a big part of all of this and God helps me to understand and accept that things are working for my good and will be okay no matter what.

In concrete terms, I simply do not experience nearly as much anxiety before, during, or after events where it is necessary for me to perform (after a basketball game or a difficult interpersonal interaction for example). It's really all just a matter of repetition until finally it clicks, and it's far from perfect but now that progress is visible, I anticipate this trend to continue.

Hopefully this helps others who decide to read it.

December 19, 2010

Well, today was really a tough day. I played some church-league basketball and did not play up to where I would like. Part of that is because of social anxiety - the fear of criticism from other people if I make plays, and part of that is due to the fact that I am out of shape and don't have the time to get myself into shape!

What really hurt though was the fact that I had a wide open shot and it is my instinct to pass those up and find someone else, and that is what I did. Nobody really made a big deal out of it, but the pastor who is coaching pointed out that I should have shot (in a nice way) and he was right. I managed to finish the game not getting down on myself, but it's really been a struggle to not get down on myself the rest of the day, and I have been getting down on myself a fair amount today here.

It triggers a ton of feelings of failure. Things had been going so well with sports and life in youth, and then, for a variety of reason, it all came crashing down and I just felt completely and totally like a failure when in high school. I froze up in sports and just did not perform to the level that I was capable, and so all of that comes back.

I talked to my wife about it a little and it helped, but this will probably take some time to pass before it heals. What I can say is that I've been through this before many times, and it's really getting a ton better - it used to be a lot more difficult in the past. The other way of dealing with it is to talk about it here, and I'll talk about it to some friends too. Finally, the other thing is that it is important for me to look at it objectively. Overall, things are going well and are headed in the right direction. I have some struggles such as low (but growing) confidence in performance situations, high self-criticism, and a fear of failure. I just have to work on those because those are some of my difficulties, which I have just like anyone else.

December 20, 2010

Well, approximately 18 hours after the basketball game, I feel like I am totally emotionally recovered from the deep feeling of failure. For me, this is progress - in the past that could have been two or three days or more. Of course, I would rather have something like that last for an hour or two after the game if possible, but for right now this is progress.

The other issue that it is a struggle right now is job searching. I am fortunate in that I have good work hours where I currently work (but not full-time), but now that I have a Master's degree, it is time for me to look for new work. The scariest thing at this point is that I am cold-calling HR departments (called 5 today), and just having to do that reaching out and the possibility of failing and going into a self-blame cycle of that is scary. Something will work out because something always does, but it's still scary having to take these new steps. So far, I have only been able to leave messages at various corporations and that for right now feels good. We'll see what happens in the future.

January 12, 2011

Well, life has been up and down overall, but it is trending up right now, so that is a good thing.

The main challenge I am facing right now is social anxiety around the job search. Job interviews are going well, which is a good thing. The most terrifying time is the time right before it. I get a little nervous during interviews, but I've done enough where it seems possible to provide a decent answer to most questions.

The main scare is attempting alternative methods to finding jobs, as in alternatives to the traditional method of resumes and cover letters. Today, I decided to attend a networking group that someone pointed me to. It was quite scary because I don't typically view myself as someone who can bounce around and make conversation with a bunch of random people. But, this meeting was structured. Each person stood up and said a few lines about himself or herself and what he or she was looking for. I did the same and got the names of 5 people or so afterwards who were willing to help a recent college graduate. I guess the reassuring thing was that I didn't do anything special - it didn't really depend on how I said things or my perception of my performance - it was more about making an attempt and seeing how people respond, which in this case was quite good. So, it's just a lesson learned and very reassuring to have at least some sort of success in the job search.

January 15, 2011

Not too much to say about things lately. Things seem to be coming together a little more, and I am not quite sure why. I had a job interview this past Friday, which was somewhat awkward, as the interviewer tripped and stumbled over her words, making it seem as though she was as nervous, if not more so, than I was. It was tough for me too because I just didn't sleep well and didn't feel focused enough to make the best answers for each question, but I think I ended up making a good impression.

The scary part is that I did make a good interview, and if I end up getting the job, I am going to feel a certain amount of fear and pressure to do well. The first time I ventured out into the workforce, it was a royal disaster because of social anxiety and many other factors, and I am afraid of having that pattern repeat itself. For now, at least, things are well, and what I have learned over time is that there is a reason for everything happening, and if it's meant to be for me to get a job and do well, then it's meant to be.

January 18, 2010

Not such a good day yesterday. I came out all ready to go and play basketball and had set goals for myself...and fell flat on my face. The fear consumed me and I just could not concentrate well enough to do much of anything.

The guild, shame, and anger that I felt the next day was quite intense, although not as intense in the past. But, it was still quite hard. There is nothing I really want more than to feel confidence and relaxed in front of a group of strangers and just be abel to do what I want to do.

What I have learned over the years is that the moments where this happens are now brief, but that they will continue to grow as long as I continue to make the necessary attempts.

Right now, that is all I know.

January 23, 2011

Well, today was a pretty good day, despite the fact that a lot of things really did not go my way. I helped to coach some guys in basketball and even though I didn't play as well and things did not go the way that I wanted, I'm feeling pretty great anxiety-wise. What I've learned is that not as much is in my control and the whole world doesn't rest on my shoulders. I'm still not perfect at this skill yet, but being able to understand what is and is not my responsibility to a higher degree than before is very beneficial.

Other than that, I have the usual going on - fear of job interviews this week, and then future fear of how I will perform if I do get a job. The first time out in the world of computers was not so successful - I hated the internship I worked, quit my first job because the people and work were awful, and then got fired from the next job due to incompetence on my part. It was a horrible experience and it's just scary that it may repeat again, but this time with more responsibilities to take care of in life. Right now, this is all I know.

January 28, 2011

Whew, since having basically no job interviews for a period of 2 months, I have been inundated with several in the past couple weeks here. The anxiety has been strongest when I have been actually interviewing, and I'm not fearing so much losing the interview due to anxiety as I'm fearing what I'm going to say and how people will perceive it at the moment. From what I've experienced so far, people have thought that I have interviewed well, but I really haven't received any job offers yet.

I was a bit anxious about calling back to a previous interview I had yesterday and telling them I might need to stay home once every couple months or so to help my wife if she has a health crisis. I feared they would choose to not hire me because of that, however, the one person I talked to today assured me it was not a big deal. I really want this job because my skills seem to fit it well and it seems like an interesting job with decent people to work with.

We'll see what happens, but right now I have progressed to the point where I know that I did the best that I could and can blame myself for nothing, so whatever happens now is outside of my control, and I can live with that. No matter which job I get - the one I wanted or the one I didn't want as much, I can make the most of it.