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January 6, 2009

I am not sure what it is lately, but again today my core was really tough and people could not penetrate it no matter how hard they tried. I did make one mistake at work and even though my boss was kind about it, I can take things like that very personally, but I didn't this time. It stayed in the back of my head and I pushed it right out. I also was having a hard time at my other job; the child I was attempting to interact with was not having it and was ignoring many of my attempts. I can take that very personally as well, but I didn't today. Finally, as I was going home from work, someone honked their horn hard at me, and rather than getting upset and mad at myself for making a mistake, I moved right on and kept going. I can take that very personally as well. So, again, I am not sure why all this is, however, the important thing is that it is happening, and that I am conscious about it and am learning how to sustain this wonderful period of confidence.

January 7, 2009

Well, as I had guessed things did in fact slow down. This could be for a couple of different reasons, or it could just be the natural progression of things. Today, I went to play basketball at the college gym. I selected a time when I knew that people would not be there so that I could just go and shoot by myself, which is what I usually like to do. As expected, there were very few people there, but the ones that were there, it seemed, were interested in observing me. It was very difficult for me to shake the thought that they were watching me, waiting to evaluate me negatively. I know tha tin reality they probably weren't even looking at me, or that if they were, they were just glancing and then doing their own thing. I get so nervous during basketball because I want to perform to a high level every time, and when I fall even an inch short, it is very difficult for me to handle. Its a struggle and an issue that I need to address.

January 9, 2009

Marriage, as I have surprisingly discovered, can be a great source of social anxiety for me. When my wife doesn't like something that I do, she will, in my eyes, yell at me. I have noted before that I tend to take things personally and get easily hurt, like many social anxiety sufferers. Even when it comes from someone who loves me unconditionally, it can still be a great source of discomfort. Growing up, I was never told that I was okay for making mistakes, so after a while, whenever I got yelled at, I figured that I was getting rejected, like I was a total failure. That same pattern follows me today, and my wife, when she yells at me, in my mind is communicating that I am a bad person that is a failure and needs to be rejected. When I am "rejected," I feel all alone, like I am on an island, even though I am around people who I know love me. This means that I am worthless and that I cannot be loved by anyone. After all, rejects simply are not lovable! Emotionally, I get upset and begin to isolate, realizing that I am lesser than everyone else and that my mistakes are not okay. It's a tough place to be. I ask my wife to, instead of saying, "You need to finish this kind of cereal before you have the other kind!" say, "Could you please finish off this kind of cereal?" When I hear please or thank you, I feel as though I am respected and am a worthwhile human being, and I want to do things for my wife. I think it's reasonable, and she's coming around on that being a part of our relationship, but as for right now, it is a struggle and it does feed my social anxiety.

January 12, 2010

Well, things had been going well with anxiety until recently when playing basketball on the weekend. I play with a bunch of inner-city young adult African Americans in a league; they know streetball rules, but not real basketball rules, although they are learning. Anyway, I came in, with people expecting me to be a leader. I am an emotional leader, however, my play on the court is less than stellar because of my social anxiety. In fact, I can tell many of the younger guys are playing more confidently than I am in many respects. I hustle and work hard though, which is something they need to see. The problem is that I just feel like a total letdown to myself and others because I hesitate on the offensive end, which kills me, and I just did terribly this past weekend. Here I am, supposed to be a leader, and instead I'm stinking up the joint. It's so hard for me to accept. I feel so embarrassed and downcast, like a total failure. I can handle losing or not doing well if I am confident, however, if I am feeling anxious, I just feel distraught if I don't perform well because I know that I can do better when I am confident. I guess the real disappointing thing for me is that I thought I would be further along by now and that I would be able to handle this better, but social anxiety can still really wreak havoc on some areas of my life, and this is one of those areas. I just don't want to be where I am; I want to be further along, but I'm not. I am feeling better today, but I was pretty downtrodden yesterday (Monday). But, anyway, the guys around me don't seem to look down on me or anything; they still seem to respect and encourage me. I guess I fear that I will become the outcast on the team and unable to speak or talk with anyone because of loss of respect. Anyway, it's where I am at right now, and it is difficult to deal with.

January 14, 2010

Well, things went quite well overall today with anxiety. I played some informal basketball with three other random people and everything went okay there. It's much easier for me to play when there are fewer people watching (4) as opposed to the usual (10). The other thing is that the level of competition was such that I was one of the better players. I am beginning to suspect that what was happening with the regular basketball is that I am simply not as talented as some of the other players as I might think that I am, and that I really cannot compare myself to them like I want to. Perhaps there is an element outside of my control that is making it such that I just cannot play up to the level of some of the other players I play with, and instead of accepting that, I simply get anxious and blame myself for not playing better. I am not sure if that is the case but that might be. Then, the other main anxiety event was that I went to the post office in a poorer neighborhood to ship a book. They didn't have the envelope that I wanted, which bothered me, and then a customer came in swearing about how something wasn't working, which really made me uncomfortable. I finally got too anxious and decided, "To hell with it - I'll go to the regular post office and mail my book from there." So, that's what I'll do. Now, I am not sure if I did anything wrong, but I feel a bit anxious about the fact that I was not able to mail a book from that post office. That's all I know for now.

January 15, 2010

Life is going well right now, and my anxiety has been low, that is for sure. I really can't say why that is either, after all, I really don't feel that I am doing much of anything to reduce anxiety. I have noticed one thing, and that is that I am just not as talkative as a lot of people. For whatever reason, most people seem to think you have to make a witty joke or something when they walk by you. Sometimes, I choose to do just that, but others I just pass on by because I don't really have anything clever to say; I have things to do, so I go and do those. Maybe that's my anxiety, or maybe that's just me. In any event, it is the way it is at this point. Right now, all I know is that life is going in the right direction and that my inner core is getting tougher and more able to handle interpersonal difficulties. A person at my internship snapped on me, but we have a good relationship and I was feeling confident, so I didn't take it personally. In the past, that could have ruined my day. However, since my inner core is getting tougher, I am realizing that I don't take things as personally. She later apologized though, which was greatly appreciated. My core isn't perfect, but it is getting there. Right now, that's all I know.

January 15th, 2009

After a long time of trying and working on things, I finally made some really strong progress. We played basketball this weekend and we got crushed again. I was effective on the floor, however, I did not do that well in some areas like I had hoped. But, what was really different this time around was that instead of becoming engaged in self-blame (for more on self-blame read ASN's Do Not Blame Yourself) and getting stuck in that cycle, I was really able to instead experience the disappointment of simply not living up to the expectations that I had hoped for. What was the difference this time? I prayed and simply asked God that I perform to the best of my ability at this given moment, and that is exactly what happened. I can be at peace when I perform to the best of my ability and things don't go my way. Things simply didn't work out this time, which is okay; maybe next time they will work out. The nice thing was that I also didn't need people to act in certain ways today. If people were more passive or didn't greet me when I saw them, I didn't let it get to me. I was simply able to acknowledge that things didn't happen the way that I would like, but that doesn't mean that these people are being nasty to me. It really was a nice feeling to be free of this anxiety and even though things didn't go my way, that is okay.

January 19, 2009

Well, anxiety has been going very well for me lately, and today was no exception. The main thing that has been going on is that I have been able to get into the same situations as before, but with little to no anxiety. I played some basketball this morning at the gym, when I know that it is pretty much empty, but there were some people running on the track. The issue with that was that sometimes I can feel the eyes of the people running around right on my back, like they are judging me and getting ready to criticize me. However, today I told my brain, "So what if they are?" And, instead of dwelling on it and reacting anxiously whenever I missed a shot, I simply ran and got the ball and shot another shot. I was able to regain my confidence and composure. One thing I did was to tell myself, "Come on Dan, regain your composure and focus." And that is exactly what I did. So, that was very good. I am somewhat concerned about the upcoming semester at school. The difficulty with it is that I hate school and I am ready to be done. The internship is teaching me a ton, however, school is teaching me nothing. I am sick of it and don't want anything to do with it. My worry is that I am going to get stuck doing all kinds of silly bureaucratic garbage like reading, writing stupid and pointless papers on topics I don't care about, and sitting in class listening to people who are trying to convince me to think inside of certain boxes. I hate that, in case you didn't notice. So, I am just hoping and praying that the semester won't be too difficult or too much work, and that I can instead get by doing the minimum and getting on with life.

January 23, 2009

Well, things are really going quite well overall for my anxiety. Tomorrow, I am going to be coaching a bunch of young adults in basketball and playing in the game too. The kids are decent enough - they are willing to listen and learn, but there are some challenges along the way as well. Besides people challenging my authority as coach, I am also anxious about playing in front of other people. What really worked for me last time was simply to ask God to allow me to show my God-given talent at basketball to the best of my ability, and that worked. So, I am going to try that again this week, and as long as I play confidently, I am okay with that. Right now, this is all I know.

January 24, 2010

Well, things have gone very well today. At basketball, we finally won a game. Mostly, it was due to the way the players played - they came together and have really listened and learned to things and applied themselves. The regular head coach was gone, and I was taking his place today, which I did once before. It was a tough game, but we pulled it out, by one point. I played okay and made several mistakes coaching, and that is really all that I can think about at this point. I keep trying to think of what I can do better next time. The social anxiety, for me, was quite present, which made things difficult. I had that "tunnel vision," where I could only see like one thing and pay attention to that. I couldn't look for my shot or make a great pass or drive to the basket because I was too wound up in my tunnel vision. When I'm relaxed, I can see the full court and think clearly. I did end up hitting a 3 point bucket, my specialty, which was good to see, but today, things were not "bouncing off" and they were difficult. One of the players, an older guy (late 30's or so), got a technical foul (in a fairly laid-back league), and I told him to come out and he wouldn't come out and respect my decision. Then he had the audacity to say that they didn't need coaching. He's the only one! The younger guys, who he is a role model for, are all behaving themselves and coming along. It's just tough to deal with, and it seems like you always have that one person who insists on making things difficult for everyone else. But, the good thing is the younger guys aren't listening to him or taking him seriously, so the other coach and I are maintaining power.