AnxietySupportNetwork.com

October 22, 2009

Well, today was just a super day. I finally took the test for this bear of a class, and it was not as bad as I expected, although it was not the best one that I have ever written. That is just fine by me however, as I simply want to be done with the class and school altogether and get out and move on in life. It's just one more thing to have out of the way. The biggest thing I learned for that class is that I don't need to read the dumb books! The teacher was assigning probably 10-15 hours with of reading each week, but now I have learned that all the questions on the test were off of her notes, so now I don't have to read the book which makes life much easier and with less work than before - that's always a good thing! The other good thing is that I am finally getting more and more hours at work, and work is actually beginning to stress me out a little, as I have to ask a lot of questions in order to get things cleared up, and one of my huge fears is asking a question and then having someone grouch me out for asking a dumb question. The other thing that is scary is that my job often takes me to inner city Milwaukee, which is a very dangerous and scary place at times, and can be so particularly for white people. But, as long as I go earlier in the day before dark and meet someone outside their house, I should be safe; it's just a tad unnerving to go in such an environment after living a pretty rural area where the worst crime one could expect would be loitering or destruction of property.

October 24, 2009

I just cannot underestimate the value of exercise and a hot shower. Those two together really get me started on the right foot, and today they reminded me of their benefits. I was starting to get really worried and stressed about work, as I am still learning and will be working in tough neighborhoods in Milwaukee. But, exercise and a hot shower really nipped it in the bud, and I feel so much more relieved now that I did that. I am still stressing about work, although not as much, and another tactic I use is to remind myself that everything in fact will be fine. It will, and as with anything, there is a growing process.

October 27, 2009

Well, things are starting to iron out today and this week. I feel like I really got over the hump on Monday when doing my first interview that I really was in the lead on. I gained a lot of confidence because I felt like I knew how to answer the questions that were posed and that I finally had somewhat of a routine down from all the practice the week before. My stress level is way down, and so long as I am safe and careful when going into innery city Milwaukee to help people there, everything will be okay. So, I am feeling really good about work. Everything else is coming along well too. After about three months of being unemployed, my wife has finally found a job. It is not really that good of a job, but it is somewhere she won't mind working and hey, it's work. So, that is a big sigh of relief beause now I don't have to provide for two on a part-time job anymore. The other thing that I've noticed is that I've really been able to gain a ton of confidence lately because I have had to step up to the plate. Life has become more challenging and has required more confidence from me in order to function, and I have been up to the challenge. That is a good thing because it makes me stronger and more prepared to handle whatever it is that comes in the future. That's all for today.

October 29, 2009

Today I was playing basketball and today I had a harder day with it. When I am playing alone and just hanging out and shooting, I can shoot just as good as anyone. However, whenever I get out and in front of people, my performance is always impaired. Last week, I felt like I had a good grip on it, but then this week, I came out and my anxiety was just so high. I shot the ball and missed most of the shots, however, I did hit a couple. It was so frustrating because I know that I can do better when I am not anxious, and quite honestly, when I shoot in front of a crowd of people like today, I am almost astonished when the ball goes in; it just seems like the hardest thing in the world to do. While it is fun and enjoyable, it's hard for me to have fund and enjoy myself when I am not playing and feeling as confident as I know that I can. It's one of the few points of struggle left in relation to anxiety for me.

Hi Dan,

You care a great deal about how you perform in front of others while playing basketball. Maybe next time you can go in there with a slighly lower expectation of how well you perform the game, but instead just go in there and work on keeping your mind calm and clear. Use the experience as an exercise to help you conquer your anxiety rather than an exercise to conquer the game. Maybe that will help?

First - thanks for your previous comments Kristen. It is hard to remember that and I know that I have to do it, but sometimes I get caught up in the anxiety like I did that time. It's helpful to hear good things from others though. Right now, I have been having a horrible time with my job. The job is stressful and irritating and horrible. What first soured my experience with the job was the disorganized method of training, where it took me nearly two months to get trained. That was a pain, but not the end of the world. Now that I am actually doing the work, however, I am finding that I really do not like it at all; in fact, I hate this job and I am going to quit. Why? People (clients) are pressuring me hardcore to do different things with their plans that can't necessarily happen. The next person had some sort of error in his public funding and he ranted and raved at me for it, as if I were the one operating behind the scenes and purposefully causing the difficulty. I'm simply not willing to take that. I tried to reason with the guy and calm him down, but that didn't really happen. Right now, that is just too much stress in my life, and I just cannot handle this much stress right now. So, I am going to quit the job. I feel a bit defeated and like a failure, however, I know that is not the case and that I have simply learned that any customer-service type job, including in Social Work, is simply not what it is that I want to do. So, I am going to quit my job, effective immediately, tomorrow morning. It wil be a great anxiety-reducer and the right thing to do. I am really energized by the idea of becoming an entrepreneur, and I am not sure at this point how to do that. I really enjoy this site and if I could make this site a full-time income that would be great, but right now I am not even close to that level of profitability here. So, the journey continues, and for now I am staying in graduate school and am investigating entreprenuerial ideas on the side.

Hi Dan,
As you know, high levels of stress can often bring on anxiety symptoms for people like you and me. So, we have three choices to choose from when going through a stressful time: 1) eliminate the stress altogether, (2) modify it where we can or (3) underreact when we can't change a thing. In this particular situation, you CAN eliminate the stressor, by quitting your job. For some people, quitting their job is not an option, so this is where they'd have to either modify the situation or underreact to it. You might feel like you've let yourself, or others around you, down, but you're clearly doing the right thing here. You're not quitting because of the anxiety per se, you're quitting because you're feeling unsatisfied with your job. You're unhappy. You don't feel useful. You don't feel like you're contributing to a good cause. You don't feel like you're learning something which would be beneficial to your future endeavors. So why stay if you're not happy? You're not quitting because you can't handle it. You're quitting because you feel like the job is just pointless. If you HAD to stay, I know you are creative enough to find ways to modify things at your post so that things would be more workable for you. And if you weren't allowed to make any modifications at your job, then I'm sure you'd find a way to not allow yourself to be so annoyed by it.
That said, there is NOTHING wrong with recognizing that you're not cut out for a specific position. Not everyone can be airplane mechanics or landscapers or engineers or receptionists. We have to take our best skills and attributes and put those forth....and watch as things blossom towards our goals. You're doing the right thing. Hang in there, it'll all get better.

November 2, 2009

Sorry Kristen, I had to move the post into the blog here - I put it in the right place now. Yes, thank you for the advice. Today was a great day not having to go into that stupid job. It's really not the employer's fault - it's just the way the job is and it's not a good fit, so all's well that ends well. I called my previous employer which employs people in this area as well, and they actually called me already today and their ready to get me up and going, so that is a good thing. For now, I am going to continue with Master's school, although I find many of the assignments and associated work to be pointless. The internship where I serve is incredibly educational and enjoyable, however, so I think that tells me to continue with that whole deal. I have a very knowledgeable supervisor who is really excellent at her work and can teach me a lot. The old employer does pay much less than I get currently, however, I would rather work a job I enjoy than one that makes me completely miserable. All these things are meant to hold over the tide while I figure out how to become a social entrepreneur. I am not sure how that is going to look, but this website is one way to start. There might be another social opportunity to explore, but right now this is the best that I can do with what I have, and so this is what I am going to do. The idea of being a social entrepreneur is very energizing and exciting, so long-range, that is no doubt the best choice; the form it takes, however, could look very different.

November 5, 2009

Well, things have been much less stressful since I have quit the job that I did not like. I called my old job and they got back to me the next day, which was much quicker than I expected. Unfortunately, there is not as much work in my area as there was when I was in Oshkosh, so that is a bit of a bummer, but it should provide enough to live on. Other than that, everything is going okay. Our marriage is a bit of a struggle at some times because I have to work and go to school and we don't have enough time together during the week. So far, my wife is working at times when I am gone, so at least we have that much. One good news item is that I sent my former landlord a letter threatening to take certain legal actions if he failed to reimburse my security deposit, and now he left a voicemail indicating he is ready to talk. I am pretty stressed about how that is going to go, but it looks like this situation is finally going to be resolved, which will be a good thing. So, we'll see how that goes and how life arranges itself here in the next couple weeks while I create a work schedule and get through school and the internship.