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January 26, 2010

I had a stellar day with basketball. I was just playing some pickup and some 2-2 with some other guys, which was cool. Before I even started playing that morning, and I normally just shoot around myself, I told myself that my main goal was to have fun (in order to move my focus from outcomes to relaxation), and that really worked! I just nailed everything in 2-2 and people were right in my face! At one point, I did start to falter a little bit, but I just decided to move on and get through it. I refocused my brain and kept right on shooting and taking the ball to the hoop, and I shot incredibly well in the first game and pretty well in the second. One of the guys said to me, "You normally shoot that good?" I was honest and said, "No, I was hot that game, it was a little above average." Which it was. I can't recall any terror or loss of focus other than that one time and I don't recall feeling my hands sweat or anything like that. I was quite relaxed and ready to accept any outcome that happened! Now, if I can just learn to do this when things DON'T go my way, I'll be much better off!

January 28, 2010

Well, things with basketball went well today, although not quite as much so as the other day. I felt like I was being watched today, like people were after me. The gym was fairly busy, busier than I expected. But, I did get a hold of myself and I was able to feel relaxed and shoot the basketball. I decided not to play with anyone, but just shoot around today, and that was okay for today. One thing I noticed is that when I am more calm and relaxed, I am not so jumpy and moving around all the time. I usually get very tired because I am so jumpy and hyper, like I have to be constantly moving in order to not make a mistake. As a result, when I am relaxed, I feel more rested, tire less quickly, and I can play more effectively for a period of time. It was hard to keep my focus on having fun today, but I did keep reminding myself to do it, and I came through to the point where I did feel quite relaxed. I am somewhat stressed about how things are going to go at the team meeting on Saturday, but I believe that they will be fine overall. I am anticipating the game on Sunday and am feeling fairly confident about it and ready to practice my new relaxation skills. We'll see how it goes.

January 29, 2010

Well, I really have nothing too huge going on with anxiety right now. My wife's and I finances are getting pretty tight now, as she has been unemployed for almost six months and I have been supporting the two of us with school loans and part-time work. It's very frustrating and stressful at times, so I hope she gets work soon. The other thing on my mind is that team meeting in basketball tomorrow. We will meet with the troublemaker player and all the other guys and see where it goes. If it goes well, he will apologize for his behavior and we'll work out our differences; if it goes poorly, he'll blame and accuse me of poor coaching or acting outside of my responsibility. No matter what, however, I am not going to back down from what I did or from my stance of not accepting his behavior. So, we'll see where it goes, and I tend to think that things will end up all right. Wish me luck!

January 30, 2009

Well, the meeting was really not a big deal at all. In fact, I was impressed because the guy who had gotten a bit out of control the week before apologized to me for his behavior, said he was embarrassed, and said that it has been a long since he has let his temper go like. I responded, "No problem." And, it really is no problem when someone apologizes. I was just caught off guard because it so rarely happens where someone apologizes for their behavior like that. The rest of the meeting was uneventful. The main thing that is bothering me is that these are African-American Milwaukee youth (which is okay), but there is a lot of awkwardness socially between myself (a small-town white male) and them. We are polite and kind, but not really connecting. That's hard for me because I want us to get along as friends, and when that doesn't happen and things are awkward, I blame myself for them being that way. Instead of being disappointed, I tell myself, "I should be more talkative," or I should be this way or that way and then everything would be working out the way I wanted. I guess the truth is that things are awkward right now, however, they will grow and get better in the future. It just takes time, and unfortunately, it's not happening on my time.

January 31, 2010

Well, today was a pretty good day overall; it was a learning day, and despite the fact that I am not feeling the greatest, it was a great symbol of progress. We stunk it up in basketball today, and I actually felt that I played okay. I didn't score any points - I am not a scorer. The constraint trapping me is that I feel as though I have to be a team player and help everyone out; if I shoot, I would have to shoot fairly wild shots in order to get my points, and I feel like that does not give us the best chance to compete and win. That was really a disappointment for me because I felt as though I was ready to get out there and take some shots, but that didn't happen. The progress in this was that instead of engaging in self-blame and anxiety, I experienced the disappointment; for me anxiety, shame, and self-blame is a way of protecting against feelings of disappointment.

Another positive from all this was that I learned a technique for relaxing. I was fairly anxious in the hours preceding the game, and I decided to relax for 15 minutes before the game, clear my mind, and focus on having fun. I also prayed a little too. I was still anxious in the minutes right before the game, however, once the game started, almost all anxiety disappeared. That was awesome! I played the game with a very low amount of anxiety, if any at all, and as noted before, experienced disappointment instead of anxiety.

Even when things don't go well, and in fact, particularly when they don't go well, there is great opportunity for growth.

February 20, 2010

Things have been going well with anxiety lately, although I am having a new struggle in the past couple days. Basically, I am feeling as though I am not worthy or competent of fulfilling this new supervisory role that I have taken on at work. They gave me a promotion after having been with them for four-and-a-half years, and this is a promotion I was actually looking to get for some time already. However, the issue is that now that I have it, I feel totally worried like I won't do a good enough job. I am unable to differentiate between the possibility that I am either being too self critical, or that my judgments of myself are based in fact. I have received positive feedback from the vast majority of families in the past, however, I just feel like what I am doing now is not good enough, not what needs to be done. When working and engaging in this new work, all I see are the mistakes that I make and how things could be better. The change is barely even noticeable for me, and right now I feel as though I am just another guy filling a position and not a competent employee. I am sure that some level of this is irrational, however, a significant part of me wants to believe that I am in fact correct - that I am an imposter and a fraud and that I really don't belong here. Right now, that's a tough feeling for me to deal with, and I wasn't expecting it at all because I really have never had the feeling that I am not competent. Right now, this is all I know.

February 21, 2010

Well, things are going well, although today was a tough day. It was tough in that when playing basketball, I was very excited and thought I would be all confident and having a good time and whatnot, but it ended up being a really tough day. I was shy and tentative about shooting, although my defense was top notch. We ended up losing a close game by 7 after losing to the same team before by 30, so that was a good sign for our team. I just want to step up and perform to my ability because I know that on the offensive end, I am falling short of what I can do, and the season is almost over. I am feeling very confident about doing well at work and doing well at basketball, but I am just not quit there yet. I don't always know how to react or how to take things, and it makes life confusing, but the minute I start talking with a friend about it all, it suddenly becomes clear and I learn a ton. I am constantly learning and growing and dropping more anxiety, and things will continue to get better as I learn how to manage this condition.

February 24, 2010

Well, yesterday was a pretty rough day for me. I was playing hoops with some guys I knew and I just missed about everything possible, including very easy shots. My confidence was low to start and it continued to crumble and I got more and more anxious as things continued to snowball in a negative direction. Guys on the other team were getting frustrated and shouting, "C'mon!" It was tough to bear. But, I moved past it and I feel better today, and tomorrow is going to be better. One thing that I realize that I lack is having fun. I get so serious and so wound up in the possible outcomes that I forget to have any fun at all. The more I focus on fun, the more I take pressure of myself, and the less anxious I feel. It's really hard to maintain that focus, but at least I've identified another way of managing this anxiety.

March 2, 2010

I have been taking a royal beating lately. Basketball has been fun because I have been gaining awareness and skill that I was not able to gain before because of anxiety. However, it has been far from perfect. I can hit real difficult shots because I don't feel as much pressure to make them, but then I miss real easy shots because I feel a ton of pressure and worry about how stupid it will look if I miss them. Today, I had difficulty with that because I missed some easy shots and the mistakes were hard to forget. Other people got frustrated at times and were somewhat rude about it all, which is annoying. I guess it reminds me how dog-eat-dog the world is; rather than receiving encouragement from people, which is rare, most people take the opportunity to get frustrated and run you down, gaining power for themselves. It's just not fun for me at times. The other thing that is troubling me is that I am still having trouble making conversation because I have felt pretty inadequate in my life presently. I don't feel like I am interesting or that people want anything to do with me; I feel like they are talking to me to be nice. It's a tough place to be, but it's what happens when I get out and take risks. But, then again, this is how growth occurs - by getting out there, making mistakes and letting things happen, and then learning from them. It's just another bump in the road, and I keep telling myself that people like Gandhi and Mel Gibson were very anxious in their young lives and turned out to do great things later on in life. I don't know if I'll ever accomplish great things like they did, but I do plan on making a large difference in the world. Right now, that is all I know.

March 5, 2010

Well, for whatever reason, things were much better with anxiety today. I have been in quite the funk lately, however, today I simply woke up and was in a better place. I was relaxed, confident, and able to let go of outcomes. Very few things bothered me, and even if they did, I was able to pull my brain out of the anxiety and back into life. The main thing that I am worried about is confronting my landlord about not returning my security deposit. We may have to go to court if he refuses to return any of it, however, I really do not want to go to court. But, we'll see what happens. I am procrastinating on confronting him, but I will have to call him this weekend. For right now, this is all I know.