AnxietySupportNetwork.com

Hi all,

I decided to write this mini-blog as a way of keeping you all updated on how anxiety continues to interfere in my life. While I have stated before that I am "recovered," this word is used in a loose sense because I believe that an individual can only recover from certain anxiety conditions that are biological to a certain extent. I have recovered, for the most part, from the most difficult and anxiety-provoking situations that caused me issues in the past, but for me and many others, anxiety will always be visible to a certain extent in our lives. The goal is to minimize its harmful effects on our lives. Anyway, I'll reply with the first entry.

March 12, 2009

Well, today was really a rough day at all. I went to class and answered a couple questions in front of a 40 person class in college. That slightly provoked my anxiety, but it really was not too rough. Tomorrow at the internship will be difficult thought because I have to give a presentation right away in the morning, which is very difficult for my social anxiety. It's only to 13 third-graders, which won't be as tough as the 53 I gave my first presentation to, so that is a good thing. But still, anything in front of a group of people I do not know irks my anxiety, but I know that I will be able to get through it. I also have lots of other tasks to perform, and I am not sure that I will be able to get everything done in a timely and proficient manner, so I am a tad anxious about that. However, the people I work with are really nice and flexible, so even if things don't go as well as I hope, I am confident they will be okay.

I am also going to see the doctor next week and hopefully switch up my anxiety meds. Right now I am on 10 mg of Lexapro and that is helpful, but I still get terribly anxious (sweaty hands, swirling head, loss of concentration etc) when I am in front of 10 or more people. I don't need the consistency of Lexapro, but a medicine that reduces the symptoms in certain situations (lorazapam or whatever seems appropriate) would be very helpful and better than Lexapro. And, I would be taking less medicine, and to me, the less medicine I take, the better, and the goal is someday to not take any at all.

March 13, 2009

Well, I ended up having the flu and not going into work today. That being said, I was still anxious about what my bosses' and coworkers reactions would be to me calling in sick. My social anxiety tries to get me to worry about what their reactions might be. Will they be pissed and scream at me? Will they be nice to my face and then run me down behind my back? My better judgment told me this was not the case, but I still worried about it anyway; that is why I have an anxiety disorder, and not merely the normal anxiety that everyone else has.

However, while I was worried, I was not overly worried, and it did not significantly interfere with or hamper my day, so that is a good thing. After talking to my bosses and letting them know the status of my situation, I felt much more relieved. They are all nice people and took things very well and just wanted me to get better.

I was also somewhat worried that the presentation that I cancelled at a local elementary school would make the faculty there upset. I guess that I do not know how they reacted, but most reasonable people take that as something happens. I guess that I'll know more when I talk to them again in the future. Well, that's all for today; my social anxiety is going okay and this entry is another you use to help anxiety.

March 16, 2009

Well, things had been going pretty well with anxiety in the past week or so. However, my roommate is now causing me huge anxiety by being a royal prick. It seems like he is most upset about the fact that I have a girlfriend to whom I am planning to get married, and I really think that he is upset because he is 32 or so and still alone. The problem is all with him, however, he is trying to make it mine and my girlfriend's problem by rejecting all offers when we ask him to do something and then not talking to us when we are around. But, in order to reduce the anxiety, I just keep telling myself that it's his problem and his issue to work not mine. I don't expect any improvement on his part though. Nonetheless, this is very stressful for me because this is one issue that happens to really ignite my anxiety. He already screamed (literally) at me once, which really irked my anxiety. Unfortunately, people like this happen to be in all our lives at some point, and all I can really do is wait until my lease is up and move out. Of course, he could get over his issues and start treating us decently, but that is not a likely scenario to happen based upon my assessment of the situation. Basically, all I can do to get rid of the anxiety is write, talk to friends, and not take his crap, should he choose to dish it out to me.

That is by far the most significant stressor for me right now. I am going to teach a CPR class for my internship this week, and I also have a test. The anxiety will be noticeable in CPR, but I know what I am doing and I know that I will do just fine with that, even though the anxiety will be bothering me a little. One thing that I did do today was play some basketball for about 45 minutes or so (just shooting around by myself), and that really helped me to relax, so that is a good thing too. Right now, this is where I am at.

March 17, 2009

Well, I saw the doctor today about getting different anxiety medicine that I can use on a situational basis, and he gave me alprazolam (.5 MG) dose to try out and see what happens. I am excited because I am hoping that it will help to really reduce the symptoms I experience when public speaking, which is the current most difficult struggle for me. I am also excited to be going off the Lexapro - as I preach so many other places, the less medication one is on, the better. So, I will be reporting that here and letting every know how I do on this new stuff.

Right now, everything is going okay and getting back on track anxiety-wise. I have come to the conclusion that my roommate is at fault for argument at this point, so I really feel good now. I feel as though it is all his problem and not my fault, and I think that is the truth of the situation. So, that is a good thing, and it really reduces my anxiety, which is another good thing. Other than that, tomorrow I have to teach a CPR class, which is a situation that can cause me some noticeable anxiety. While there is only six people, I still get quite stressed about it because I worry that I will forget what to say or not know how to answer someone's question. But, I will get past it, and eventually, at some point in the future, I am sure that I will feel very little, if any, anxiety at all when public speaking. That is how everything else has worked, and I think that will happen here too. Right now, that is all I know! Social anxiety can be very difficult, but I know that it will get better!

March 19, 2009

Well, I am feeling much more confident about the roommate situation that I had discussed now that I know that it is his problem and not mine. That is a good feeling to have, indeed. I feel much more relaxed and confident around him, knowing that anything of which he might accuse me is complete bullshit.

The CPR class that I taught yesterday went well. I tried the new anxiety medication, which is a generic version of Xanax. It seemed to help and keep me from totally freaking out, but I was not necessarily where I wanted to be. I was still anxious and somewhat bothered at times, and I did not quite feel like I was in control of myself at all times, which is my goal. I am taking an average level dose (.5 mg), so I am going to try taking a 1 mg dose and see if that does what I want it do.

Other than that, things are going well and heading in the right direction. I got rejected from UW-Oshkosh for graduate school, which was my expectation. They have a stiff experience requirement, and while I have great talents, I do not quite have the experience they are looking for (about 2 years). So, I am disappointed, but not taking it personally. I applied also to UW-Milwaukee and am awaiting a response. I know that I belong in graduate school for Social Work - it's just a matter of whether or not the schools agree with me. Notice how I am not blaming myself and am instead placing the blame in things outside of my control, a key to recovering from anxiety. If UW-Milwaukee rejects me, I will simply have to find something else to do, and I will.

Right now this is where I am at.

March 21, 2009

Well, I have finally figured out where I am going to graduate school, and that will be UW-Milwaukee. UW-Oshkosh rejected me and UWM accepted, so that made that decision fairly easy.

So, this transition will have much anxiety to it. I will have to find a new place to live (my girlfriend lives in the area and so do a handful of friends so that will be helpful), a new job, get acclimated to a new campus, and adjust to life in a big city full of crime and murder. It's quite the contrast to Oshkosh!

I am looking forward to the transition even though it will provoke my anxiety because I feel that performing social work in Milwaukee will aid my professional development greatly, and I think that I will be able to handle everything by the time I am done with school there. Other than that, I really have no outstanding anxiety issues other than the rude roommate, but that is going okay for now.

March 24, 2009

Well, things have been going well lately. I am feeling fine now that I am slowly coming off the Lexapro, and I am glad that I am doing it. I have been writing tons of articles for the website lately, which has been an enjoyable experience. I need to still work at being myself and letting go of my anxiety at times, especially when in public places. I am often myself and the person that I want to be, but not as much as I would like. That is where I am at right now. I'll keep coming back here regularly.

April 2, 2009

Well, things have been going okay lately. Work has been fairly stressful at times, and that has been because of many different changes in both the way things are done and my work schedule. It is getting very frustrating. Yesterday, I gave a presentation to 66 third-graders at an elementary school, and even though they were only children, my anxiety still ramped itself up. However, by the end of the one hour session, I felt myself to be very relaxed and confident with what I was doing. My goal is to be very relaxed and confident right away, which is very hard for me to do. Other than that, things are going well. I guess that all I can is keep practicing...

[b]April 6, 2009[\b]

Well, things have not been too bad lately. My girlfriend and I have been going through some struggles, but we love each other and things are going to work out eventually. I think that I am going to take the anxiety medication for any group activities in the future, even if I do have presentations with third graders.

Other than that, things are going well and are heading in the right direction. I am somewhat anxious about moving to Milwaukee (find a new apartment and new job and all that stuff) from Oshkosh. I am sure I can handle the academic end of things.

So far while I have been off the Lexapro, I have noticed no significant changes in my anxiety, so that is a good thing. Hopefully that trend will continue because I want to be on as little medication as is humanly possible.