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My lovely wife has run away after 19 wonderful years together without a single dispute. I am distraught and she is 5000 miles away in a little bubble that protects her from the real world and allows her to indulge her passion. This is a brief overview of her health history.

• Low self-esteem since age 11 from school bullying
• Depression, self-harm & flight at 18 when her parents split up
• Promising career in education obliterated by illness after just 2 years
• Pulmonary embolism aged 25
• Death of a friend’s sister, at same time, from same condition
• Fibromyalgia, chronic pain & chronic fatigue since 1996
• Wheelchair bound ever since
• Unable to sleep lying down since 1998
• Many strong drugs taken ever since including morphine - 12 years
• Kidney failure in 2006 – six weeks in hospital and DVTs
• Chronic urinary infection for three years with prophylactic antibiotics
• Trigonitis diagnosed 2008
• Osteoporosis & osteoarthritis diagnosed 2009
• Frustration at lack of independence and social opportunity
• ‘Addiction’ to online computer game up to 9 hours per day
• New and younger ‘friends’ online
• Exposure to online chatroom and finding a few ‘good friends’
• Insensitive intervention in these things by me, resulting in over-control
• My inclination to try to meet her every need
• Increasing pain levels
• Increasing numbers of drugs
• Diagnosis of liver damage 7 months ago - not yet investigated
• Greater difficulty in sleeping
• Loss of feelings for me
• Flight to the family of one of her new-found friends

In the two months since she went, proclaiming she would be back, she has gradually grown more distant. I can understand why she enjoys her new life because she is encouraged by her ‘friend’ and his family, to continue playing her online game. She can rest throughout the day, and she has a social life in the evenings, even though she lives life behind a fence, with panic alarms throughout the house and 24 hour call-out in case of attack.

Indulging herself in this way has allowed her to relax and she is feeling some benefits. She is, however, ignoring the long-term health issues and avoiding the confrontation of her real problems. The cost of pay-as-you-go internet is starting to have an effect and time spent talking to me is now reducing to help cover the costs. Even when she does speak on Skype, she gets angrier by the minute in spite of my efforts to avoid dispute. I believe this stems from her liver condition and she is like two different people. Her case is complicated, but many of her actions are predictable. Her family are being fed a tiny part of her story and know little about the above list – neither do they want to. Slowly, she will begin to rewrite our history. I feel as though I am the enemy because I am the only person who knows all of her history and the only one who may force her to face her demons.

Clearly, my wife is in crisis and there are three things that may dislodge her – she may become disillusioned with the game and realise the truth, she may become seriously ill, her temporary residency will end, or some combination of all three. I want to be there to catch her if & when any of these take effect. Does anyone have any idea what might happen next, or have I missed something?

Hi Steevw, I'm very sorry you and your family must go through this difficult time. While I'm no medical professional, I noticed a few things throughout your post.

Whether your wife is 5000 miles or 10 feet from you, you can not control her own personal happiness and well-being. Only she can do this for herself. Though she may be using maladaptive behaviors such as excessively using an online game for comfort, and these supposed "friends", it is a start for her to gain back control & reconstruct a new life for herself. The loss of her feelings for you may just be a result of lacking interaction from you; a sense of intimacy that she requires.

Additionally, you may want to invest in some individual counseling, as your need to control her and provide for her every need makes her not as accountable for her actions and her health. Plus, you need to take time out for yourself to recharge.

Does she have any family or friends that you know of that stay in contact with her? If so, ask them if they have seen any changes in her and persuade them to gently talk to her about it. Yes, an argument may occur, and conflict may result, but avoiding the problem is not the solution. Do not avoid a dispute with her; she is testing your limits and how much you will take from her. Calmly keep control of the conversation and yourself.

If the cost of pay-as-you-go internet is becoming too high, you may want to talk to your wife about limiting her hours online a little at a time. Tell her talking to you less as a way to save money is not an option; for the game time must be limited. There are many internet providers which allows a user specific allotted amount of time for the day, week and month. If she spends 9 hours a day now, go down to 8 for the next two weeks.

Steevw, my main advice is to get yourself some counseling so you can seperate your need to provide for her & enabling her to continue like this. She needs to take control of her life by watching you let go of hers and you taking control of your own life. You may not be able to regulate her activities, but you can certainly set limits for yourself that work for you.

Hi Peony - thanks for your insightful response.

A lot of what you have said makes sense and reflects some of the things my wife has said. She has told her family that she wants to deal with her underlying illness in her own way which implies that she was dealing with it in my way. This is not true and the fact is that we were not dealing with it at all, we were simply taking each day as it came and that is exactly what she has continued to do since she left. It is strange that you have described her mood, but not her actions.

One never knows for sure, but our relationship has always been intimate and attentive – that’s the kind of people we are. Looking back, as objectively as possible, I don’t think my attentions had relaxed in any way. My wife avoids contacting her friends as they only say things she doesn’t want to hear. Her family have been told that she is dealing with her illness for herself and they believe this wholeheartedly. They have little or no knowledge of her involvement with the internet or many of her disturbing health issues. I promised my wife I would not tell them unless she approved but, one month after she left, I wrote to each of her parents asking if they wanted to understand more about their daughter’s health. They both declined.

For several months last year, I tried to help my wife with strategies to reduce her involvement with ‘the game’, including helping her with some of the logistical aspects. I tried to show an interest. There was an ebb & flow of involvement but, ultimately, she became more devious at finding opportunities, up to the point where she ran out of options and fled. With me in Greece and her in South Africa, I have little chance of changing anything when she won’t even admit her addiction. At one point, an online counsellor friend challenged her from personal experience and she became very angry and said she would not speak to him again. He himself had major marital problems from a similar addiction to the same game. He had reduced his involvement from 9 hours to half an hour each day and he told my wife her involvement was excessive. She went crazy and accused us of conspiracy.

I can keep calm in disputes such as these and I accept what you say about her testing my limits. Unfortunately, she has complete control of communications and I am afraid she will break the link if I push too hard. In any case, she does not accept the problem. While she is there, she has the encouragement and support of this other player who also has a broken relationship behind him. I doubt if he or his family know of my wife’s medical history and the threats to her physical health.

Over the last few weeks, I have backed off completely and I only talk about the things she is prepared to discuss. I do so calmly and sensibly and I try not to pressurise. I have no idea whether this is the best thing to do and she thinks I am coping well without her. This could not be further from the truth as I am completely lost without her in my life. As for counselling, I accept that I would find it useful, but there is nothing available here at the moment. I’m not sure that I feel an overwhelming need to provide for her, but I love her dearly, I believe that her feelings have been crushed by health, panic and the internet, and I need to be with her. We have enjoyed the most perfect relationship until the game appeared. After two months without her, the pain gets worse very day.

I can only describe her mood as you have given me no specific behaviors in which I can make an educated guess.



With this behavior alone, she has made it clear of her choice; albeit for good or bad.



Okay, I can completely understand not wanting to push too hard, but still, the issue must sometimes be pressed. I do not think it is the "friend's" right or need to know of her medical history - as that is her private information. She can share (or not) with whomever she wishes. However, her ability to take care of herself and not rely upon others (without a medical limitation and such) is completely up to her.



I can not say if this will work; for some this behavior pushes them farther away and for some brings people closer together over the long haul. Additionally, the pain you feel stemming from this, I still suggest seeking therapy. I know in person may not be available to you, however some therapists are able to work with you over the phone or through email communication. While not the best form, it is a better alternative than going through this alone.

Hi peony,

There are a number of things that you have said that I would like to understand better. Gaining control and reconstructing a new life are issues that I struggle with. We came to Greece nine years ago to make a better life for us both. My wife could not work, I was her carer and we decided it was better to be poor here than poor back at home. Looking back now, it is possible that we were close to a crisis then and just escaped. The lifestyle here has been perfect for us and, with a better climate and a relaxed atmosphere, we both enjoyed significant benefits. My wife managed to reduce her intake of morphine just by relaxing and swimming every day during the summers and, almost until the day she left, neither of us could imagine living anywhere else. This is a very safe place to be, local people are notoriously friendly and we were both as contented as we could be under difficult circumstances. My wife has exchanged this for a life with strangers behind a fence in South Africa, with panic buttons and emergency call-out around the clock. She can only leave the house with someone’s help and the whole concept is totally alien to what we have become used to.

I believe that the only conscious control I have ever imposed upon my wife was an attempt last year to reduce her involvement in the ‘game’ she plays online and, in particular, the chat rooms. I could see the dangers immediately, although with far less understanding than I have today. I fear that my attempt to extricate my wife from the game, is slowly becoming interpreted, by her family and possibly by my wife herself, as me having totally controlled her life. Nothing could be further from the truth. She has been dependent on me as her carer for fifteen years and she will always have to sacrifice a degree of independence and accept an amount of control from someone else. We came to Greece to enjoy the freedom that this country affords and she has exchanged that for a life of restrictions. My fear is that as my wife was at something of a crossroads with new and worsening health issues, she decided that a fantasy world would be safer than the real world. She has been so brave over the years and I worry that her courage may finally have run out.

I don’t believe that my wife needs to gain back control from me, because I did not have control in the first place - we were always a team. Without the medical and psychological intervention she needs, but is currently avoiding, I don’t see how she can hope to regain control of her health – so I wonder what ‘control’ she is actually capable of achieving. In spite of much soul searching, the only answer I can come up with is the control she needs to play the ‘game’ without being pressurised or feeling guilty. I could support the need to construct a new life away from me if we had not had such a delightful, loving and lengthy time together, but to build a life based on fantasy that disregards pressing health issues and 19 years of mutual respect, care and passion, is something I cannot come to terms with. Every one of our friends and acquaintances has been shocked by what has happened – we are the very last people that they expected it of. We have often boasted to ourselves that our relationship was almost unique within the field of our experiences and we only know of one or two couples who come anywhere near to our depth of love & affection. It was something of which we were very proud – and I know that I speak for us both. How it could turn full circle in such a few weeks is quite beyond me. This is not a crisis that has grown from neglect, ignorance, abuse, indifference or any other more usual causes, this is a product of some combination of more complex issues – I just wish I understood.

My wife has given out many confusing signals and I am left not knowing what she will do next. One day she said that she would be leaving Greece with no expectation of ever returning. Later, on the day she actually left, she said that she had pushed me to the limit and beyond, and looked forward to returning my love 1000-fold and making many more happy memories together. I am so confused.

There are many more issues I want to talk about, but this post is already too long – maybe later.

I only have a few moments, but wanted to post the "main ideas" of what I would like to say later.

(1) You seem to be a great writer, very articulate and expressive. Have you thought of journal writing as a means for guiding yourself through this process?

(2) Check out this site: http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/Y_Improv.html. A therapist made this website for self-help. The articles are very short (5 minutes) but there are tons of them on a variety of topics. I believe they will help you immensely.

(3) There is something about this new lifestyle your wife enjoys, or else she would not have agreed to go. Security? Predictability/Structure?

(4) I don't believe her courage ran out. Being courageous, especially as your wife has been, takes a lot of energy and time. Maybe she simply ran out of energy and needs time to just sit back, relax and recooperate. (Albeit living vicariously through a game - I did so as well for a time, but then I came to the realization that I'm not living, and slowly extricated myself from the game).

(5) Your extreme worry about her condition may be exacerbating the situation. Yes, health issues should not be taken lightly, but they should not be running either of your lives - they should be an inclusion. It's not healthy for either party to be hyperfocused. Try a lighter approach when talking to her; don't include anything about her health unless it happens to come up during the course of the conversation. She needs to take responsibility since you're no longer by her side right now.


(5) Women express themselves differently at different points in their lives. Sometimes we're caught inbetween two types of expression and we don't know exactly how we feel (in my thinking). My SO has recently talked of future engagement & eventual marriage, and I have swayed from Extreme Enthusiasm to Extreme Intrepidation. This is not a reflection of my SO, but my inability to really know how I feel about myself & my changing role within the relationship.


Lastly, having the perfect relationship doesn't mean situations like this won't arise. Partners change over time and somtimes they can become totally different from 24 hrs, 6 months or even a year ago. However what keeps those people tied together is a mutual affection for what they have and their relationship (not to mention a lot of kind understanding, patience, humility & tough love). So your response is Key, but her response must also reflect the same tone you set.

Hi peony - I have so much to say and to ask but, at the moment, I am busy with all sorts of things including finding out why the German owned, Greek telephone company cut me off for two days! I will come back very soon and I will certainly look at 'helpyourselftherapy.'

I still haven't had the chance to respond to peony and I am now preoccupied with my wife's latest actions. She has finally said that she will not return and I have written her a lengthy letter. We are only able to communicate by email and this is wholly unsatisfactory. My thoughts about what has happened are based on all sorts of iussues such as MLC, low self steem, depression, addiction to morphine, addiction to the internet, liver damage etc., etc. My wife sees it as no more than a change of heart and challenges me by asking if I no longer believe she can think for herself. She increasingly misunderstands what I say even though I try to be objective and express myself clearly and, strangely, for an educated woman she is making many more spelling mistakes. I find this quite bizarre. She also told me that her memory for numbers is not so good when it was previously quite exceptional. What all of this means, I really don't know. The thing that has hurt me most in the last few days is that friends in our village have told me that she has changed her profile on Facebook to register that she is 'unmarried.' That is very painful.