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What is Codependence?

Codependence is a term that is completely unclear at first glance. For many social anxiety sufferers, it is a very large issue to examine. Although it is most typically used to describe the behaviors developed by those living with an active alcoholic (to learn more about the addictive lifestyles often faced by anxiety sufferers, see Anxiety and Addiction), it has a particular significance for those living with an anxiety disorder.

Codependence is “Suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with or results from focusing on the needs and behavior of others” (American Dental..., 2010). For the family with a raging alcoholic present, this may mean that many of the family members choose to avoid or not talk to the alcoholic individual because of his or her rude behavior such as name-calling, verbal harassment, or overly intense emotions.

For anxiety sufferers, many of which have grown up in actively addictive households, the more practical language of codependency is when we think “I need people to act in certain ways in order to be relaxed and confident.” So, for example, imagine you find yourself in a situation where you are in a group with other people, and you tell what you think is perhaps the greatest joke that you have ever heard, and the joke completely bombs. You react with intense fear, shame, and utter despair inside because people are not reacting the way in which you had hoped. Rather, they look around at one another and move on without saying anything to you. Later on at home, you become overly upset and depressed because you told such a “stupid” joke. Everybody, at one time or another, says something that they think others will find funny, but for whatever reason, they soon find out they were mistaken; most people are simply able to move on and keep talking in a group, but for someone who has codependent attitudes and beliefs, this may be the end of the world and more evidence that they are in fact destined to be loners.

Take a look at another example. Imagine you are at high school, college, or work, whatever is appropriate for your age. You see someone that you know at the end of the hall, and are getting ready for a little bit of anxiety to come as you determine that you are going to initiate a greeting. However, as this person comes closer and closer, you see that they seem to be upset and are not making any eye contact. This makes you react with fear because people who are not happy and smiling are much more difficult for you to greet. Rather than greeting them, you decide to not say anything and then continue to feel ashamed for letting your fear and anxiety getting the best of you. How were you codependent in this example? Rather than saying something, you your perceptions of the other person's attitude and behavior dictate your actions. Other people who are not codependent may choose to greet that person and see if they are able to find out what is wrong. Whatever the other person's reaction is, they do not take it personally. If he were angry and simply ignored the greeting, the non-codependent person would simply rationalize, “Well, he must be having a bad day. I wonder what's wrong.”

Finally, examine a third example of how we social anxiety sufferers can be codependent. You are playing some pick-up sports with a good friend and a few new acquaintances. For whatever reason, a couple of these new people are particularly competitive and whenever you attempt to do something that requires your full concentration, they yell or scream in a competitive manner in order to attempt to force you to fail. Rather than simply blocking them out, you become agitated and take their harassment personally, thinking that they are screaming at you because you are being targeted. This causes you to mess up often, and when things did not go your way, you end up feeling like a failure afterward. The codependency in this example comes in when you are not doing your best because of the actions of others. Even though these actions are obnoxious, there is no reason for them to bother you because in reality, you are a competent and capable person, just like many other people. A person who was not codependent would acknowledge that these other people were being extremely rude given the casual nature of the situation, but at the same time, their performance would be unaffected, or perhaps even amplified in order to show the rude people a lesson.

Codependency is an incredibly difficult obstacle to overcome. For many of us social anxiety sufferers, we react with a very intense fear that seems almost unmanageable when things are not as we feel they need to be. While this is a personal struggle for me at times, I have found a few methods that have helped me to overcome the fear:

• Simply focus on having fun in whatever situation it is that is happening. When the focus remains on fun, you are keeping your brain from focusing on the fear, and you will find yourself having more fun as a result Keep placing yourself in the situations that are terrifying you. The more you directly confront the situation that is scaring you, the more you will learn to grow past your fear and simply enjoy things as they are. Keep a log of your thoughts and feelings right before, dur ing, and after the situation. Examine your thoughts and consider which ones elevate your confidence, which ones elevate your fear, and how you can change those fearful thoughts into ones that build confidence.
• Remember that everybody has their own problems, attitudes, and beliefs, none of which have anything to do with you personally. If someone begins to intensely harass or intimidate you because of something you said without intending to cause harm, this is a likely sign that person has their own issues they have dealt with. For example, people who are extremely depressed tend to take things personally and feel that people are out to get them. You could make a very benign comment and they may become very upset as a result. That is ot your fault, and the person is not attacking you because you are a bad person. A rational person would ask some questions and attempt to gain understanding as to why you said what ou did, and they would tell you in a calm voice why it bothered them. You would simply apologize for inadvertently offending them and agree to be more careful in the future. Unfortunately, I believe this to be a very rare scenario, and the conclusion to draw is that the vast majority of people have problems or stressors present with which they are not dealing with effectively. If you meet five people in a year who behave in the ideal way and talk things out, you are doing well.
• Remove unhealthy people and situations from your life. Sometimes, the circumstances in our lives simply make it nearly impossible to not be in a codependent frame of mind. Everyone around us at work or high school constantly attempts to run down our confidence and make themselves more important in the eyes of others. If the whole environment is that intense, which it often is, a powerful tool for asserting yourself is to draw a boundary (see What Are Boundaries? for more in-depth information on this subject). When you draw a boundary and say, “This place and these people are just too unhealthy for me. They ruin my confidence, increase my anxiety, and drive my self-esteem into the ground. I'm not taking it anymore,” you are asserting yourself and letting other people know what it is that you are willing and not willing to put up with. The more you remove difficult people and situations from your life, the stronger and more self-confident you become, and the more relaxation you will feel!
• Simply be calm inside and know that you are a wonderful person. Self-confidence, while difficult for us anxiety-sufferers to develop, is really the key. No matter what other way people act, we can know that we are in fact good and decent people who are intending to do the right thing. Others will try to dissuade us from that belief, but that is in fact the case and simply focusing on those thoughts can be incredibly powerful.

  In a nutshell, this is how you can move past codependency and becoming bothered when people are not acting in way that you would like. All of your thoughts, words, and actions are chosen, no matter how difficult the circumstances. And sometimes, the circumstances are just too difficult for even the healthiest and most confident of people to deal with; in this case, change the circumstances! Hopefully this article has helped to shed some light on codependency and some of the more intense fear social anxiety disorder sufferers are experiencing. Good luck and keep giving your best – all things will work out for you in the end!

  
  References
  
  American Dental Hygenists' Association. (2010). Definition of Terms. ADHA. Retrieved March 16, 2010 from http://www.adha.org/CE_courses/course3/definition_of_terms.htm
  
  
  
  
  
  
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