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Understanding Others

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Other people act in different ways for many different reasons. Very often, we social anxiety sufferers take those actions personally, which tends to increase our social anxiety. But, one thing that is definitely true is that actions that other people take are rarely meant personally. If we are able to find different interpretations for other people’s actions and believe them, then our thinking will change from anxiety-producing thoughts to thoughts that reduce or eliminate anxiety. This technique is somewhat similar to cognitive behavior therapy (see Cognitive Behavior Therapy for more details on how CBT actually works).

What I would like to offer in this article is alternative explanations for other people’s behavior that are true in many cases. What you will eventually realize is that while you think you know what other people are thinking and intending, in reality you have very little of an idea of what other people are intending to communicate. Here are some examples of situations that I thought I had figured out, but came to realize later on that in fact I did not know the true motivation for the person’s actions.

  1. In high school, I had a football coach that would go out of his way to get on my case during practice. Other guys acknowledged this was the case when they said, “He always has one guy that he likes to pick on; sucks to be you.” During that actual time, I took virtually everything he said personally. And, when I would see him in the halls at school, I would shy away from talking to him because I figured that he hated me. But, very often he would make casual conversation with me and treat me well, which left me confused. What I eventually came to realize is that the screaming and yelling is how he attempts to communicate his concern and motivate me to play better. This works for most guys who do not tend to take things personally, and they respond by playing harder. I was different however, and the more he shouted, the more I took it personally, and the more I took it personally, the more he shouted. It was a vicious downward cycle, but it is better to have a healthier perspective about it now.

  2. In junior high and high school, I worked a job with a boss that would constantly harass me. He would make fun of me and go out of his way to make my life more miserable. I took this personally as well, figuring that he realized how inadequate I was and was justified in his behavior. However, what I have now come to realize is that he was living a very unhealthy lifestyle. He was probably an alcoholic and addict of other things as well; what I have learned about addicts is that they cannot contain their misery and therefore begin to take it out on others, and since I was the weakest target, I faced the brunt of his out lash. Now that I know that, it makes me feel a lot better about the mistake I made in the past, which were reasonable.

  3. In college, I would often go out to parties and sometimes I would find people giving me a certain level of harassment. At the time, I felt targeted because I thought people realized that I was self conscious, which was probably part of the problem. However, while I did not realize it at the time, I came to learn that people who are drunk (including myself at times), are generally obnoxious. Nothing is really meant personally; it is just the way that the culture operates.

  4. I had a friend who was selling chickens at a local county fair (I’m from rural Wisconsin keep in mind!) and he had a customer who became upset about his method for selling. The customer became irate and he was screaming something about how what he was doing illegal and he was going to tell all the proper authorities. This shocked and bothered my friend, however, I told him that basically what is happening with this guy is the same thing that happens with other people. Whatever it is that his problems are, they are getting the best of that guy and are spilling over into other people’s lives. I have no idea as to how to determine what might be wrong in his life, but suffice it to say, there is definitely something that is severely wrong.

  5. Finally, at the internship where I have been working for the past several months, one coworker really snapped on me when I said something to her. Normally, I would have taken this personally, however, we had a very positive relationship and I realized that probably since I asked her at a time where she was incredibly overwhelmed with workers talking to her and other chaos, that she probably was just feeling stressed and let the stress get the best of her. Later on, during a calmer period of time, she apologized for snapping on me and everything was okay after that.

Basically, the lesson to learn from all of this is that we have no idea what other people are thinking. Most of the time, people who seem to be meaning things in a personal way very often have something else going on in their lives or current situation that is bothering them and causing them to lose control, and they really do not mean things in a personal way. However, there are some people, such as the past boss, who did intend things personally very often. People who do intend to harm others with their words and actions very often have significant personal issues which are interfering with their mental health. These issues become too much for them to handle, and since they are so miserable, they feel the need to bring everybody else down with them.

Once we learn to accept some of these alternative explanations for understanding other people and their behavior, it becomes clear that much of what happens in the world is not about us and our inadequacy. The more we choose to accept these alternative explanations for the way other people think and act, the more relaxation and confidence that we will feel. Good luck to everyone, and as you go about your day, think about what other things could possibly be motivating other people’s behavior!



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