Toughness is for Losers

In our American society, people seem to often believe that self-reliance and being the “tough guy” are the ultimate ideals. Very often, we may hear the phrase “you just have to man up” or “you must pick yourself up by the bootstraps.” While this is the projection for how people are to behave, and particularly so for men, personal experience confirms that toughness is typically not a very effective method for dealing with psychological issues. In fact, toughness may be the worst method for dealing with psychological issues.

Take a moment and think about your favorite actor. Think about the lead roles that he has had and some of the best movies that he has made. Has he ever been the type of guy to reach out to his friends when he is falling down or struggling? Does he begin exercising and eating a healthy diet when stress is overwhelming his life? No, because that is not what tough guys do. Tough guys go out to the bar, get wasted, and start a fight. Tough guys sit alone and watch the sunset, reveling in their own difficulties.

The reality is that when a person chooses to use the maladaptive coping methods that are so often depicted in the movies and generally accepted in mainstream culture, either internal or external chaos is generally the result. For us social anxiety sufferers, we can all recall many times when we were feeling anxious and depressed and chose not to tell anyone. What was the result? We either continued our anxious and lonely lifestyle or it intensified. Perhaps we even felt the need to turn to other maladaptive coping methods such as watching excessive amounts of television, playing hours and hours of video games (one of my personal vices), or drinking alcohol.

The reason that the tough guy image is so prevalent is that it is the image that America was founded on. The years before, during, and after the Revolutionary War were very difficult years and required a large amount of personal resilience just to survive. In the early and middle 1800's, people needed large amounts of toughness in order to move out West and become pioneers. They might be attacked by Indians, become the victims of natural disasters, and possibly a famine and starvation may happen as well. In the late 1800's and early 1900's when immigrants began to flock to the United States, the attitude continued. Throughout all these time periods many people who had absolutely nothing to start eventually became very successful, and these rags-to-riches stories became very popular. As a result of that popularity, people believe that this is the way for most people to act, and that if something is wrong, anyone can simply really work hard and apply himself and things will eventually end up okay.

There is a time and place for hard work and simply gutting it out, but the vast majority of the time it is easiest to get better by enlisting the help of knowledgeable others (see Supportive Friends for more on this topic). As is always the case, the guiding rule is for you to get outside of your own head because unfortunately, when you choose to stay inside your own head, that is where the bad things happen. What methods you choose to get outside of your own head are up to you. You may choose to get a pet (see How Pets are Powerful Anxiety Reducers), counseling (see The Benefits of Counseling), anxiety forums (see The Purpose of Anxiety Forums), and maintaining a strong spirituality (see How a Strong Spirituality Reduces Anxiety). There are many other methods that you may have discovered or know from friends which help you to move outside of your own head and rely on the strength and help of others.

Of course, many social anxiety sufferers will naturally think that perhaps their parents, best friend, or girlfriend or boyfriend will be one of the first places to look. Even though these are often the people that we love the most and who theoretically are supposed to be able to help us through any difficult situation in life, this very often is not in reality the case. These people generally do intend the best for us, but very often their lack of familiarity with social anxiety disorder means that they are unable to help us (see Causes of Anxiety: Overprotective and Controlling Parents for more on this).

It really is quite a journey to find the people who are able to help us the best in life. In some cases, that might mean that the best people for us in life are in fact our parents, lover, or friends. In many cases, it might mean that we have to look to other places in life such as counseling or support groups in order to find the help that we need so that we can get better. The good news is that very often our parents, lovers, and friends are very willing to help and simply need education so that they know what they can do and say to be helpful. This can take time, but eventually things work out. To sum it up, deciding to attempt to use only tactics that require your own intellect and willpower in order to work through a psychological difficulty is the greatest recipe for failure. Instead, the best solution is to enlist the help of others who have already been there, and then have them meet with others in your life who are willing to help. Trying to tough it out, think it through, and do things on your own will ensure your failure. The sooner that you look for help, the sooner you will find that life becomes much easier and much better.

Note: You can easily unsubscribe from the newsletter at any time by following the link at the bottom of the newsletter e-mail or by following this link (clicking the link will open a new window).