The Anxiety Support Network
Getting better one step at a time
   Home      Anxiety Store      Life Coaching      Articles      Podcasts      Speaking      Advertise      About      Contact     

How to Get out of the Rut of Being Single

E-mail this page to a friend

Most of us socially anxious people have been, or are currently in, some sort of dating rut. Many of us may be well beyond the normal age for getting married (mid-to-late 20s), and now we are the awkward "third wheel" friend who goes to all the gatherings with the other couples. Or, perhaps we are the friend in his or her late teens or early twenties who has never had any kind of serious relationship, while most of the other people we know have. People ask us questions or put us down about this fact, which only makes us feel more ashamed and separates us from others even more.

Since I have written those articles, I have had the opportunity to gain a little more experience in marriage (My wife and I are married almost 18 months now) and a little more perspective and insight on how to be successful in the dating game. The following is what I have learned:

  1. Take a mental break from dating. By now, you have probably been working pretty hard by looking for dates in various places and are paralyzing yourself with worry, stress, and the fear of not finding the right person and being single for the rest of your life. While dating is stressful for people with social anxiety disorder, it is also stressful for everyone else too. Take a break from it all! Take a couple weeks or so and go to work, and then come home and do only things you enjoy - make yourself a nice supper, take a hot bath, play some video games, watch your favorite movies, exercise, or read a book! You have been working yourself pretty hard up to this point - it is time to be nice to yourself and take a break from it all for a while.

  2. Consider what qualities you can develop to make yourself more attractive to the type of person you are looking for. While there are many specifics and intricacies based on each person, in general people look for someone who:

    1. Is in general a pretty positive person.
    2. Has a sense of humor.
    3. Knows where they are going in life.
    4. Has stable employment.
    5. Has a strong sense of spirituality.
    6. Has at least a decent relationship with their family.
    7. Has some interesting hobbies.

    I encourage you to take an honest look at yourself and question how each of these aspects are going in your life. If one of these appears to be lacking, work on improving it. Keep in mind that you will never have all of these in perfect order - nobody does. But, in general, I have experienced a negative tone about life from social anxiety sufferers (and I have had the same negative tone in life myself), and the best thing is to instead look on the bright side and have hope that things can improve. If you are negative and believe that nothing good will happen to you, then that is probably what in fact will happen to you. However, if you hold out the hope that things can and will get better, you will notice that they will.

  3. Examine where you are looking for potential partners. If you are going to the local bar or club and getting hammered while looking for dates, then you are most certainly not looking in the right place. Bars and clubs are where people go to let loose and be free from the daily grind. People here are not looking for a healthy relationship, but more for a fling. Having a successful relationship with someone you met at a bar is not very likely. Great places to look for healthy relationships include church, a local organization that you volunteer for, at party hosted by your close friend, and sometimes the Internet (this can be extremely dicey because you can find the full spectrum of relationships here from very good to very bad).

  4. Do not feel pressured to join one of the paid dating websites, and men, do not use one of these "attract-a-lady" systems. These websites do not have any better demonstrated success than any of the free sites. You can certainly join if you would like to, but the sales point of the paid websites is that somehow they have tests that match you to the most compatible person, which is not really the case. These "attract-a-lady" dating gurus do not have healthy relationships in mind, but rather they teach you how to manipulate and seduce people into doing what you want. Such approaches only get you short-term results, and most typically these systems are focused on sex as the ultimate goal. If you use manipulation or seduction to find a partner, that person will only stay around as long as you play the game perfectly, but the moment you mess up, you will find that they are gone. Such disingenuous relationships lead to total chaos, sadness, and hurt feelings.

  5. Decide that meeting your ideal partner is an inevitability. It can and does happen to everyone, however, it does not always happen where, when, or how you would like. Once you realize that finding a healthy relationship is inevitable, you will feel more confident in taking more risks. Somewhat like job searching, a large part of dating is just the fact that it is a numbers game. You keep putting yourself in situations where you think you will find the right person. Most of those situations do not work out the way you would like, which is the hard part, but then one does, and life becomes dramatically better as a result.

  6. If at first you do not succeed, try, try again. Once you have identified areas where you are likely to find a healthy person, keep trying until things work, but be sure to take breaks if you need to. Part of dating is that it is a numbers game. You keep approaching and mingling with many different people, until finally you meet a person who is quite interesting. Then, you go out with that person a few times and decide from there whether or not to stay with them. You may end up talking to or approaching hundreds of people before you find the right one, or, that person may approach you and walk right into your life. You never know, but if you keep at it, eventually something works out!

  7. Be fearless and uncompromising in choosing your partner. Remember, compromise is great only after you are in a relationship. Never settle for the person that is "good enough," but be sure that at the same time, you are not really intending to keep yourself alone by setting your standards so high that no one can reach them. We have all had that friend of a friend who wants us to date their friend who is really "nice" and "fun." These words are typically code for "strange" or "creepy" or "somebody that nobody else wants." If you have a good idea that your friend is attempting to pawn off their creepy friend in whom you do not even have the slightest interest, reject the offer! If you are not sure what to think, go out with the person a few times and make your judgment from there. Just be sure to be honest and cut things off as soon as you know they are not right.

  8. Having a relationship, even a healthy one, does not solve your problems, but instead increases them. A wise person I know said it this way: "You got problems. I got problems. Together, you and I have more problems." Social anxiety sufferers are typically trying to fill that internal void of worthlessness with another person, thinking that will make life well. Movies and pop culture teach the same message - once you meet that right person, all is well. In reality, that is not the case at all. In fact, if you meet the wrong person and let them in your life, life can get messy in a hurry. What really happens is that life gets more complicated and difficult in the short-term while you figure out how to live it with another person. Things that person does will bother you to no end, and things you do will bother that person to no end. Then, after you figure things out during the initial adjustment period, you learn how to see things from that person's perspective and make compromises. This is when a healthy relationship really begins to make life enjoyable. But, it takes hard work to make it happen, just like anything else.

Overall, these tips, if you follow them, will get you to where you want to go. If you are having difficulty in the dating field, no matter how far past the "normal" age for finding a healthy relationship you might be, you will succeed!

If you found this article interesting, then these may be interesting to you as well:


Bookmark and Share



Free Anxiety Support Network Newsletter Sign up for the free Anxiety Support Network Newsletter which will help you to achieve higher and new levels of living. Improve your mental wellness, make new friendships, find new romantic relationships, enjoy a fulfilling career, and improve your health! Also, receive the 2008-2009 Article E-book for FREE!

Note: You can easily unsubscribe from the newsletter at any time by following the link at the bottom of the newsletter e-mail or by following this link (clicking the link will open a new window).




Overcoming Anxiety - Victim Reveals His Story

The Anxiety Support Network 2011
Free Newsletter  |  Links  |  Privacy Statement  |  Disclaimer