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Realistic Expectations Reduce Anxiety

Anxiety sufferers are famous for being incredibly hard on themselves. They constantly beat themselves down mentally for being a failure, when in fact they might have done quite well. The difficulty for anxiety sufferers is that they hold themselves to an impossibly high standard, perhaps an ideal (no one in reality can attain ideals), and if they fall even one step short of the ideal, they will think that they are complete “failures.”

One strategy that can be very helpful to people is to have their standards and expectations set at a realistic level so that they are set up for success rather than failure. For example, some anxious people are very hard on themselves for being complete failures at dating, as in some cases people may be as old as thirty or forty and are yet to have formed any significant relationships in their lives. Dating gurus often follow the “one in ten” rule, which to them means that they will end up sleeping with one in ten women that they approach (this type of lifestyle seems to be disgusting, but put aside all moral judgments at this point). These gurus are viewed as the top ladies’ men in their respective fields, and yet all they are able to accomplish is a 10% success rate. This is just taking into account using relationships solely for the purpose of sex. It seems that it is much harder to form a very serious relationship where both partners are committed to and love one another (probably in the realm of less than 1% of all relationships). To meet one such person in one’s lifetime is a success, and for most men this occurs around the age of twenty-seven, while for most women this occurs around the age of twenty-five.

The point that is being pictured is that anxious people tend to get down on themselves if they are in their early twenties, have not had a significant serious relationship, and instead have only had a handful of dates or very short relationships. For an anxious person, this type of dating history should be viewed as a success, and as long as he or she keeps at it, he or she will find a suitable mate, just like most other people do. If an anxious person has not even met this level of dating, he or she should not fear because there is plenty of time to work at it.

The conclusion to draw from all of this is that one should have a good idea of what “success” really is. Anxious people totally freak out on themselves if they attempt to go out in public and make conversation with a stranger, but instead fail to do even that one little thing. Sometimes, for those who are severely anxious, success would be better viewed as simply being able to go out in public and be amongst other people with a slightly lower level of anxiety than in the past. It may take a few weeks and much help from a supportive social network (see ASN’s Supportive Friends) before a person is able to actually attempt that conversation, and it may take a couple years of practice before that person is able to make conversation regularly with strangers while also have a low anxiety level.

A good way to establish goals is to either consult a friend or mentor who has recovered from anxiety him or her self, or to see a counselor who has already overcome (see ASN’s Why Counseling to learn more about counseling) anxiety. This will help the person to establish small and realistic goals that will help him or her to recover from anxiety. Establishing goals that one is unable to reach can lead the person to fail and quit recovering (see ASN’s Why People Give Up to learn this and other reasons people give up on anxiety recovery) from anxiety. If a person has a success, even a small one, he or she can build on that and continue to grow in his or her anxiety recovery, to the point where he or she could become a public speaker, if that is one of the person’s ultimate goals. So, it would be very wise for any person embarking upon anxiety recovery to take the time to sit down and create a set of realistic and attainable goals!

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