Helping Your Partner with His or Her Anxiety

Relationships are always complicated and there is no exception to this rule. Every relationship has its own unique dynamics that makes it difficult to manage at times. One person on his or her own has a handful of difficulties; put together two people and now there are even more difficulties! What if a relationship has a partner who is very familiar with anxiety and one who is not? What are some good methods for the non-anxious partner to engage in that will help the other partner to reduce his or her anxiety level?

The first place to start is for the non-anxious partner to be open-minded and non-judgmental. He or she simply needs to sit back, listen to the anxious partner voice his or her concerns, and just try to understand the situation from the point of view of the anxious partner. Anxiety does not make sense to non-anxious people, but those who are anxious do not necessarily like to have their particular anxiety level either. Even though it is nonsensical, the non-anxious partner needs to listen and understand the difficulty from the anxious partner’s perspective, as this is the only way the anxious partner’s anxiety level can be reduced so that the quality of the relationship can be improved.

The next mental step to take is for the non-anxious partner to have an attitude that is dominated by the thought, “What can I do to help?” Many people have the attitude that, “This is problem that needs to be fixed and my anxious partner will always struggle with it.” True, some level of anxiety will always be present during a person’s lifetime, but an attitude of, “What can I do to help?” will allow the most room for growth in the relationship. So, what exactly can the non-anxious partner actually do to help? This is a very complicated question to ask because the answers to this question can vary widely among every relationship. Further, the dynamics of the relationship are affected by the anxious partner’s anxiety level. If the anxiety level is very intense, the non-anxious partner will have to make even more extreme accommodations than if the anxiety level were less intense.

The first two points given are very important and should be implemented in every relationship. The following paragraphs will help to give insight to the non-anxious person so that he or she can better understand how to help the anxious partner.

The first thing to remember is to be gentle. Even comments that seem very benign to most people can provoke extreme anxiety in anxious persons. For example, the statement, “I don’t get why you’re so anxious,” may seem benign to the non-anxious person, but this makes the anxious person feel very anxious and ashamed because he or she has a struggle that has been present for many years. A better way to phrase this statement, if it is an attempt to be understanding and empathic towards the anxious person, is to say, “I see you are very anxious today. Would you like to talk about what is bothering you?” The first sentence acknowledges the anxious person’s feelings as being legitimate and just as valid as any other person’s, whereas the initial statement of, “I don’t get why you’re so anxious,” increases the anxious person’s feelings of shame and self-blame. This can be very critical in determining the response one receives from the anxious person; should the first statement be used, the anxious person will likely not let the questioner know what is happening; should the second statement be used, the anxious person is much more likely, if not now then later, to let the non-anxious person know what is going on.

Besides being very gentle when talking to an anxious person, the next important rule to remember is to ask questions that begin with “what” or “how” rather than “why.” When people ask questions using the word “why,” they are typically trying to pry information out of the questioned person. Prying causes people to hide information and resist change; if one wants to improve the quality of the relationship, the opportunity for change must be maximized. When people ask questions that begin with “what” or “how,” they are typically trying to understand the situation or gain information. Typically these questions are asked in a more non-invasive manner, and this also helps to maximize the opportunity for success.

The next thing one needs to watch for is the tone in one’s voice when he or she is asking a question or talking to the anxious person. The tone in one’s voice needs to be at the least neutral and ideally is warm and inviting. A negative tone in one’s voice will lead to the anxious person becoming more anxious and hiding information, which only serves to harm the relationship. “What” questions can become negative and threatening if tone is used improperly. An example of an improper tone of voice (imagine one actually asking this of another person) would be to ask, “What is bothering you today?” A much better way to ask the question would be to simply say in a neutral or warm tone, “What is bothering you today?” The way the question is actually asked can have a large impact on the response to the question.

This brief guide hopefully helps to shed light on how to have successful interpersonal interactions with an anxious partner. If one follows these guidelines and remains patient, he or she will be just fine, and so will his or her relationship. Good luck to those out there who help their partners cope with social anxiety!

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