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How to Begin Rebuilding Trust

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As social anxiety sufferers, and probably for all anxiety sufferers to some degree, we lack a basic human value which most people enjoy: the ability to trust others. Lacking trust is one of the main reasons that we have anxiety. For example, we become anxious and fearful of what others may think of us should we attempt to tell a joke. Our fear represents our internal belief that people are more than likely going to react in a negative manner, no matter how well it is that we tell the joke.

For those with social anxiety disorder, it is completely reasonable that their trust in others is lacking because they have large amounts of personal experience demonstrating that it is not okay to trust others. For many, either parents, people at school, coworkers, random strangers, or perhaps even all of the above harassed anxious people on a continuous basis for many years of their lives. Just how much would you trust people if this was your personal experience?

Because of this basic lack of trust, life becomes very miserable for the person with social anxiety disorder. It is a necessity for all people, to at least some minimal degree, to be able to place their trust in others and have that trust used properly. For many people who are raised in healthy families, trusting others is a natural thing, but for many others who have had their trust destroyed, rebuilding trust is an incredibly difficult task. How can you begin rebuilding trust today? You can start by simply following these steps.

  1. The only way to start rebuilding trust is to begin taking risks and trusting others with small things. First, begin talking with several people at school, work, or wherever it is that you encounter people. See who it is that you seem to naturally gravitate towards and have somewhat friendly conversations with. These people will make the "first cut." If this is too overwhelming for a socially anxious person, a good place may be to start by talking with a counselor. People with social anxiety disorder have a hard time trusting even counselors, despite the fact that they are quite possibly the most reliable and trustworthy of all sources. If you do not feel ready for life in mainstream society (which is okay), it may be a wise idea to start where the chances of success are high and check out a local counselor (for more on counseling, see Why Counseling, Should I Seek Individual Counseling, The Benefits of Counseling, and What to Expect from Counseling).

  2. Now that you have identified people who you see at least on a semi-frequent basis, begin to test them by entrusting them with very small things. For example, just casually mention that you get pretty anxious when talking in class or in front of a group, or mention that it is hard for you when people become angry with you. The person you confide these basic and fairly common fears in will respond in several different ways.

  3. Depending on how the person responds, now you must evaluate whether or not that person is worthwhile to continue to attempt to trust. If that person responds with a, "Yeah, that is hard for me too. It's hard for a lot of people, I think. I don't blame you," then congratulations, you have found someone who you can trust with small things! However, you will find that some people push these fears of yours aside by saying, "Get over it!" or "There's really no good reason to be afraid of that. Grow up and deal with it!" People who give these types of responses are untrustworthy. If you are a patient person, you can continue to mention a few things to see if these people change, or if they were just having a bad day. But, more than likely, these types of responses continue. You might choose to include these people as acquaintances, but they will probably be people whom you can never trust; this type of person is simply a fact of life. Finally, you will encounter people who simply shrug or make a face with no verbal response. These people are probably also untrustworthy, but again if you are feeling ambitious you can mention a few things to them. But, like before, they are probably not trustworthy with most things.

  4. Now you have reached the "second cut." You have identified people who are trustworthy with a few simple things. You are nowhere near the level of trust you need in others yet; therefore, it is important to continue taking emotional risks. With these people, try mentioning something a little more personal and related to your particular anxiety disorder. You can choose whatever you want, but perhaps you might say, "I have a really hard time going to restaurants because I feel that everyone there is watching me," or, "I get afraid when people scrunch their faces because they seem to be thinking that I'm an idiot." These fears are more particular to social anxiety and reveal a bit more of who you are to the other person - therefore this is taking a slightly bigger risk than the first time. Again, just like when sorting through the first cut, simply evaluate the person’s response and choose your actions from there. If you are patient, like before you can continue to reveal more of yourself to that person, but more than likely this person is not one to trust any further. All you can do is to simply move on from those who are not proving trustworthy and begin identifying others to build trust with.

  5. The final step is simply to mention things that are incredibly personal to people who have made it into the "final cut." You might say that, "I had friends who would call me names like 'stupid, moron, or butt kisser' when I was a child and that still bothers me today," or,"My parents harassed me emotionally when I was living with them and to this day I still struggle with the effects of that." These incredibly personal things are things that you would only share with someone whom you felt very safe and comfortable with; this might literally amount to five people over the course of a lifetime. One caveat to keep in mind here is that if what you are discussing is something you do that is incredibly deviant or generally perceived by society as something that is to be feared, you might want to reserve such a discussion for a counselor. Certain extreme things can be perceived as being so revolting that even the most trustworthy of people become pushed away. Then, when meeting with a counselor, you can discuss whether or not this controversial topic is something to be discussed with your friends.

Overall, this is the general outline you might use in order to begin rebuilding trust in people. When you actually engage in this process, you will find that there are very few people who are trustworthy with moderately intense personal details. Many people are trustworthy with the basics, but when it comes to things more personal, you will find that much fewer people are trustworthy.

The process of rebuilding trust is a difficult, but necessary, endeavor to undertake because there comes to be many times where things simply do not seem to be working (this process works much like the one outlined in Two Steps Forward, One Step Back). But, if you keep repeating it, you will continually learn and eventually find multiple people who are at least moderately trustworthy. This increases your connectedness to others and the world, which is a joyful experience. And best of all, you will reap the rewards of building trust: increased confidence, relaxation, and less anxiety!



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