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Dysfunctional Roles of the Anxiety Sufferer: Blaming Others

Many different challenges exist for the social anxiety sufferer and all anxiety sufferers in general. For each anxiety sufferer, a system of challenges can be linked together in order to form a “challenge system” (more on this in a future article). Described succinctly, a challenge system is the complete set of challenges that each person experiences, and how these challenges interact with that person and his or her other strengths and challenges.

If one were to take an afternoon and think about all the things with which he or she struggles, one would find that he or she has quite a comprehensive list of challenges (One should be careful when actually doing this. Sometimes, people are so good at finding their own faults that they suddenly believe that they are at their core “faulty” and worthless people. This is not the case; each person has his or her own unique strengths and challenges. If one actually goes about listing his or her challenges as a person, one should list a strength beside each challenge so that a balanced and realistic viewpoint of one’s self is seen, and not an overly pessimistic one.)

One of the dysfunctional roles (part of a person’s challenge system) that a person can play is the role of “Blaming Others.” The person acting out this role will routinely blame other people for his or her problems, while never finding reason to take responsibility for his or her own current situation. Everyone has had a friend or relative like this. Persons playing these roles typically have a viewpoint that emphasizes how terrible other people are, and they maintain a focus on only the negative things that other people do. Persons trapped in this role are in general very pessimistic and are difficult for others to be around.

Person’s entrenched in this role can be easily recognized by some of the things that they say. Typically, they will note that, “The reason that I don’t have any friends is that other people are terrible,” or, “if other people were more friendly and receptive to me, I would find myself to be a more popular person,” or, “if that person weren’t so stupid, I would talk to them,” or finally, “can’t that person take a hint? I tried to tell them several times what they were doing was wrong, but they came to me and asked what was up.” The commonality between these three beliefs is that all the blame and responsibility is placed on other people, and not the individual in question. Perhaps, if the individual in question were more tolerant of other people and made more attempts at being friendly towards others, he or she would find that he or she would soon have more friends. Or perhaps, if this person changed his or her attitude to one that attempted to focus on the good of other people, this person might find the world a much friendlier, and less harsh place.

Up to this point, this article has been direct and seems to place most of the responsibility for blaming others on the person who engages in such thoughts and acts. However, it is important to remember that persons who engage in this role often have good reason for doing so. Parents may have emotionally abused this person; children at school may have teased this person to no end; other peers or teachers may have unjustly treated this person in a cruel manner. This type of harsh treatment teaches that person that the world is a tough and unforgiving place, and so this person believes that others are at fault for his or her problems because they did in fact cause his or her problems in the first place.

However, this general worldview that all people are horrible and are the primary cause of this person’s problems needs to be challenged because it only serves to increase one’s anxiety. If one believes that everyone is out to get him or her, then anxiety will of course be the natural and most logical response to such a belief system. However, this person must realize (and this is very difficult to learn) that while many people were and are terrible, there were and are many people who are very kind, compassionate, and caring. This is most certainly very realistic and logical.

The main reason that a person needs to challenge this dysfunctional role of blaming others is that it holds him or her back from leading a healthy and happy life. Besides the fact that many people are horrible, why does it need to concern this person? One is able to choose his or her friends, and one can find a new job if the current one is terrible (although this can be tricky). When a person believes that most people are decent people (irrespective of whether they actually are or not) that person’s attitude will change to reflect that belief. People who believe that others are decent in general tend to have a happier, more positive outlook on life. People will naturally be attracted to such a kind and caring personality, as negativity and pessimism tends to drive other people away, while happiness and optimism tend to attract others.

To sum it up, while it may be difficult to break one’s habits and beliefs that form the dysfunctional personal role that blames others, it is nonetheless very important and critical to one’s success in recovering from anxiety. It can and will be done if the person continues to work at it, and all good things this person desires will come in their own time.

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