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Dating and the Anxious Male

Dating is a very tricky and complex process (see also ASN's Dating Anxiety), and for those affected by social anxiety and other anxiety disorders it is especially complex. So what are some tips and techniques that anxious men would benefit from knowing in order to enhance their dating success? Is there some sort of secret method or trick that can be used to make dating a success every time?

The answer to that last question is a firm “no.” There is no secret strategy or system that exists that will guarantee one’s success when it comes to dating. Another thing to keep in mind about dating is that dating should not be about getting sex, but rather about finding a compatible partner to share life with. If one were to search the internet about various systems that claim to increase one’s sex appeal, one would find a nearly infinite number of results. One system that has become more popular in recent years is the one championed by David DeAngelo. Briefly, DeAngelo’s method is more about seduction and manipulation in order to gain more sex, which is a very poor method of viewing relationships. Basing a relationship on seduction and manipulation makes for a stressful and low-quality relationship that does not build long-term happiness, but only a false and temporary sort of happiness that comes from being with another person. One point that Mr. DeAngelo hits right on the head is that women like confidence and humor, which leads into the first main point about dating for the anxious male.

The number one thing to have when moving out into the dating field is confidence. What is the number one thing that men with social anxiety lack? Confidence. So, the trick is finding confidence and then learning to build on it. How can confidence be found? Easy, by taking risks and having small successes and then building on those successes. Most socially anxious men are too afraid to take risks, but risks can and must be taken; staying within one’s self and not moving out is the surest way to failure.

Early on in life, generally from high school age until twenty-five, dates are few and far between for the socially anxious male. A sporadic relationship or date may come up here or there, but a steady stream of dates is generally out of the question. Why? Because women are looking for the most confident and most dominant male, the leader of the pack, and it takes anxious men a little longer to learn these behaviors. The other reason that socially anxious men do not find dates is that they are generally goodhearted and are simply looking for the companionship; early on in the dating game most people either have no idea what they are doing or would rather play games instead. Women are not ready to settle down with a reliable male, and it is generally the case that socially anxious men are reliable and ready to work at relationships.

Once women begin to enter their mid and late twenties, however, they begin thinking much more about having families and having a stable relationship, and this is when it is time for socially anxious men to shine. Unfortunately, this seems to be the general rule in mainstream society. Of course, exceptions exist, and another nice thing to know is that religious persons tend to marry at a younger age, so finding a good relationship may be more possible if one finds himself as a member of a religious group.

This, in general, seems to be the truth. What should socially anxious men be doing in the meantime? Without a doubt, the best thing to do, instead of griping and complaining about being lonely and single, is to move out in life and develop those skills and talents that make one attractive and desirable.

One quality mentioned earlier was confidence. Confidence, especially in tough situations such as dating, can take some years to develop, and socially anxious men have the perfect opportunity to do so while they are young. The next quality that women find highly desirable in dating is a sense of humor. Using humor makes life easy and enjoyable, and besides this has the practical effects of relieving stress and lengthening one’s life. Another quality to develop that women find highly desirable is leadership. Right or wrong, women have been brought up over the years to function in a more passive role and men in a more active role (currently, this is slowly changing). Learning to make decisions and take charge are two things that help women to know that they will be okay and taken care of in life. Finally, women want to be proud of who it is that they are with. They want their man to have a good job, be socially likeable, and to be actively engaged in the process of living life.

Many readers of this article will now think to themselves, “This all seems somewhat naïve and dreamy. I have a friend who does not have a job, is not looking for one, drinks all night, curses at his girlfriend and beats her up, and yet she continues to stay with him!” This view is absolutely right and it happens all the time, unfortunately. The point of this article is to describe the ideal to chase for so that one’s life is the healthiest and happiest. There are good reasons and large amounts of research data showing exactly why women stay in what are obviously very destructive relationships to everyone else. However, this topic will be covered in another article. If one wants a healthy and happy relationship, he should follow the guidelines set forth in this article.

Socially anxious men should work their hardest to develop these qualities to the best of their ability, and when the right time comes, a good relationship will fall into place. The more effectively one is able to develop these qualities, the better one’s life will be before and after he has found a suitable partner. Remember, it takes time to find a good relationship, and no matter what age one is or where one is in life, a healthy relationship can be found if one works for it and actively looks for it!

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