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How to Confront Anxiety-Provoking People

Those afflicted with social anxiety have been extremely anxious about many things, including people, for the duration of their lives in many cases. Following is a brief guide on how to confront anxiety-provoking people, particularly those who are at the same level of power as the anxious person (Being at a different power level means that the person who needs to be confronted is a boss at work or political figure or some other individual along those lines. These people have the power to make others face negative consequences –a reprimand at work, firing, or imprisonment etc… More about how to deal with those who have more power than the anxious person later).

So, for purposes of this article, assume that the person causing one anxiety is at the same level of power. The person is a chronically obnoxious family member, a bothersome coworker, or a rude patron at a restaurant. What is the best way to handle these people so that they know how they can and cannot treat the anxious person, what behaviors of theirs are bothering others, and what changes they need to make in order for others to respect them?

The starting point for the anxious person is to specifically identify those behaviors which are bothersome and to keep these in mind for later when they must confront the infringing individual.

The next thing the anxious person needs to do is to let go of the outcome. The anxious person, when thinking of a confrontation, begins to imagine all sorts of wild scenarios that are very scary: perhaps the person will just blow them off and walk away; perhaps the person will begin to criticize the anxious person and the anxious person won’t know what to say; or, perhaps that other person will begin to scream and belittle the anxious person. In order to reduce anxiety, the anxious person must accept that any outcome, including those previously mentioned, is possible. However, the important part of the scenario is that the anxious person is asserting him or her self and is establishing his or her confidence and stature as a valuable human being, which is critical in the long run. While the other person may not realize or want to accept the error of his or her behavior, it nonetheless must be pointed out if it is harming others. So, the anxious person must simply focus on performing the confrontation and realizing that any outcome is possible, and that no matter what happens, the important part is that the anxious person asserted him or her self and said “no more.”

Next, the anxious person must actually perform the confrontation in a calm and assertive manner. If someone keeps teasing the anxious person at work, the appropriate thing to say would be, “I really dislike it when you call me (insert name). It needs to stop.” Or, another appropriate response may be, “It really bothers me when you (fill in the blank). Can you please stop, or would you instead (fill in the blank).” Framing statements in this manner and communicating them to others in a calm and assertive manner keeps things simple and keeps anxiety down both for the anxious person and the person being confronted (yes, these people are stressed in these situations too). This means that both parties can listen and learn what needs to happen in order for both to be satisfied with the outcome of the situation. Calm and assertive is another point to keep in mind, and is difficult to do. When people hear the word “assertive,” they often think of the fearless football coach who is screaming at his players in order to motivate them to enhance their performance. This is a mistake in perception. Screaming and hollering at people tends to evoke a corresponding emotional response from the receiver of the communication. This response may be active (they may scream back) or passive (they will hold it against the sender of the communication and get back at him or her in more subtle ways). This means that anger and chaos is increased, which makes for an increasingly stressful environment, and chronic stress leads to increased physical and emotional ailments.

This is the generic version of approaching anxiety-provoking people and is kept as general as possible in order to cover most situations, while simultaneously giving readers the information necessary to grow in relaxation and happiness. The ideal goal is to perform confrontations with complete calmness and relaxation, but in reality, this is possible for maybe only a handful of people on earth at best. But, the less anxiety that one has coming in to a difficult situation, the more likely that one will be able to successfully resolve it and handle it in an appropriate manner. A more realistic goal is to simply reduce anxiety after each and every successful confrontation. And, keep in mind that the other person will not always respond in an appropriately calm and assertive manner. The reason the calm and assertive approach is recommended is that it maximizes the chances that a certain situation will be successfully resolved. If one has confronted a situation, even with a ton of anxiety, and yet one does not receive an appropriate response, the attempt should still be viewed as a success. As one continues to approach these tough situations (and they are tough for almost everyone), he or she will continue to grow in confidence and relaxation, which only brings benefits to that person. Overall, this article has attempted to explain in very general terms the calm and assertive approach that maximizes a situation’s chances of success in order to cover the most situations possible. If one continues to try, one can and will continue to improve his or her skill at handling situations such as these, and these situations always happen in everyone’s life! Good luck to those who are brave enough to make the attempt!

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