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Are People with Social Anxiety Disorder Targeted?

People with social anxiety disorder often grew up in homes where they were constantly criticized by one or both parents, who were so far wrapped up in their own problems that they were unable to see the effects of their actions on their children. Sometimes, the criticism was deserved, but rarely was it given in a constructive manner. Most often, however, the criticism was not deserved, and parents who were angry or upset with one another released that anger on their children. The criticism occurred on such a regular basis that people who grew up in such difficult emotional circumstances eventually came to the conclusion that they were specifically targeted by others, for whatever reason, as people to take advantage of.

Some might argue that this is an irrational belief – that those people who grew up in such circumstances were in fact not targeted during childhood, and now during adulthood their beliefs are no longer applicable. After all, what is so special about people with social anxiety disorder that they should be targeted by others for abuse? This idea that the socially anxious are targeted seems as though it is nonsense because people become upset with other people, regardless of who they are and how they act.

However, experience has shown that it seems as though the socially anxious are in fact targeted, and I will be happy to show you just how that works. All people learn how to interact with others based on their first impression of them, which is formed in just a few seconds. Just as the socially anxious person can detect tension or nervousness in another person when interacting with them, so too can other people detect the tension or nervousness in the socially anxious person when initially meeting with them. And, just as it took many years in order for the socially anxious person to form his or her tentative nature, so too did it take many years for an aggressive or hostile person to form his or her aggressive nature. Aggressive people learn to go after what it is that they want in life (keep in mind also that there is nothing wrong with being aggressive, but conversely, at certain times aggression is used only to take advantage of others). Within the first few seconds of meeting a socially anxious person, the aggressive person can detect, consciously or not, that the socially anxious person is nervous, afraid, and not likely to stick up for him or her self. So, the aggressive person pushes and pushes that nervous person until he or she either gives in or draws a boundary.

An example of such a situation would be very helpful. Imagine that you are like me, on your first time out to visit a person at his residence in a tough part of the city (this happened at a job that I decided to leave just recently). You had been training for a while with an experienced person at your side, and that experienced mentor had given approval for you to go out and work independently. While you feel ready to work independently, you still are just a greenhorn, just starting out.

As you enter the residence of this individual, the people are all different and the conditions of living are all completely different than what you are used to. You have seen this happen in your life before, so this really is not that scary yet. You meet the individual at his residence, which is a bit unkempt in places; it is not quite what you are used to, but at the same time it could be a lot worse.

You sit down where the resident indicates it is okay for you to sit, and you are not quite fully sure what to say at this point because you are just new and on the job. You are attempting to do the right thing and do a good job, however, you are new and things are just going to be awkward at first – this is just the way life works! Suddenly, when beginning to talk, you realize that the resident is starting to become aware that you are quite nervous and unsure of what you are saying. His tone then escalates because he becomes irritated with the fact that you do not exactly know what you are doing yet. He then continues to escalate, until he is screaming at the top of his lungs about your incompetence.

What happened in this scenario? Simple, the resident noted that the socially anxious person was anxious, and because he detected that the socially anxious person was susceptible to this anger, he continued to escalate. Hoping to have his way and get what he wanted, he continued to escalate until he reached a peak where he could escalate no more. If this person were a sane and rational person, he would have instead asked questions and attempted to help lead the socially anxious person in the right direction. But, rather than attempting to make the situation more comfortable in order to get what he wanted, he decided to escalate in an attempt to manipulate and bully the socially anxious person into giving him what he wanted. The exact reason for his actions can never be known, however, it is safe to say that he was accustomed to using that method to gain what he wanted in the past, and he is simply acting out what life experience has taught him.

Take a look at another practical example. You are standing in line at the grocery store, and someone attempts to cut in front of you. Rather than being anxious, hiding your emotions, and simply letting the patron in front, you decide to call him on it and say, "Excuse me, sir, but I was there." The gentleman becomes irritated and says, "No you weren’t, I was." Feeling confident for the first time in some time, you instead stand up to him and say, "Actually I was, and this is my spot." The gentleman becomes angry and does not want to give you your spot back, however, he does so regretfully.

After looking at two very practical examples that demonstrate the difference between outcomes for a socially anxious person and a confident person, it becomes clear that the socially anxious person was in fact targeted. Why was the socially anxious person targeted? Simple, because he did not put up a confident exterior, and many people exist who learn to put up tough exteriors in order to get what they want in life, even though they are dying inside. Once people see, as in the second case, that someone is confident and is not going to allow certain things to happen, then they back off. However, many people will simply use the opportunity, if presented, to get away with what they can.

It is important to note that, most often, socially anxious people are not targeted because of the way they look to others. For example, a socially anxious person who is simply walking down the street is not targeted because he or she simply physically looks a certain way (although exceptions to this rule exist). However, socially anxious people are most definitely targeted once some people discover that they are anxious and might be easy to take advantage of.

A second important note is that even though socially anxious people may sometimes show a soft exterior, that does not make it right for someone else to attempt to take advantage of them. And, even though the socially anxious appear soft, people should beware that many of the socially anxious have incredibly tough inner cores. The proper way for people to interact with someone with a softer exterior is to support what that person says or does. Ask them questions in a gentle manner that is non-judgmental and not incriminating. When a socially anxious person feels judged, he or she will shut down immediately, and even though people may push them, the pushing simply causes a socially anxious person to resist giving people what they want even more.

What is the best defense for someone who is socially anxious and whom people tend to target? The best answer was, and always will be, confidence. Confidence is the invisible shield that lets others know that one cannot be manipulated. People do not manipulate the confident because they know that the confident person will follow through and ensure that they are not manipulated.

In sum, the socially anxious are in fact targeted, however, it is not in the way in which they think that they are targeted. The socially anxious often believe that they are targeted because everyone is targeting them constantly, but this belief is in reality a gross exaggeration. However, once people meet the socially anxious person and realize that he or she struggles with confidence, many often will attempt to take advantage of that lack of confidence. Without a doubt, the socially anxious are in fact targeted; it may not be right, but it is a fact. But, there is always an answer, and the stronger the level of one's confidence is, the better off that person is; and, the great thing is that confidence can be learned. Hang in there if you are struggling with your confidence level right now (you can also read Confidence to help you begin moving in the right direction!

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